Hi Friends,

I've had to put this freelance work aside as I've been busy working on my other comedy projects, but I will be back soon. In the meantime feel free to browse the jokes; many of which sold to the Tonight Show.

Here are just a few of my personal favorites:

The FBI has arrested ten people suspected of being Russian secret agents. It was an easy arrest. All ten agents were hiding one inside the other.

A review of British Petroleum’s 582 page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. It’s no wonder, BP lists their lead oil drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills.

Things keep getting worse for Greece. Yesterday, millions of frogs forced the closure of a major highway. Greece’s economy is so bad, even the plague is leaving town.

Good news: The cigarette smoking 2-year-old Indonesian boy has cut down from forty smokes a day to just fifteen. I’m guessing his Nicoderm diaper is working.

You see this on the news? A newlywed couple collected 400,000 aluminum cans to pay for their marriage. I hope they make it – divorce can run over 800,000 cans.

Tyler

Good news for Al Gore: Charges of sexual harassment by a massage therapist have been dropped. I guess you could say he did get a happy ending.

George W. Bush pushed back publication of his memoirs, "Decision Points," out of fear that a public reminder of his presidential legacy would hurt Republicans heading into November's midterm elections. And, he needs more time to finish reading the book.

16-year-old Justin Bieber is writing his memoirs. An advance copy has leaked: “OMG, WTF, LOL, GTR, Bieber out.”

Rudy Giuliani’s 20-year-old daughter was caught shoplifting from a beauty supply store in New York. Rudy blames 9/11.

Wednesday was President Obama’s 49th birthday. His wife and children were out of town but the Salahis dropped in.

A new poll shows that 27% of American’s believe President Obama was born in a foreign country. The poll has a margin of error of +/– Fox News viewers.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have called off their second engagement. Good news everyone, they’re available.

A newlywed couple collected 400,000 aluminum cans to pay for their marriage. I hope they make it – divorce can run over 800,000 cans.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have called off their second engagement. Sarah Palin said the kids had “irreconrefudiatable differences.”

The inventor of Cheez Doodles has died at 90. The snack creator credits his long life to not eating any foods named “doodles.”

Speaking to Fox News, Sarah Palin said President Obama doesn't have "the cojones" to fix illegal immigration. In a related story, Palin said she plans to fix Levi Johnston’s cojones.

Tony Hayward will step down as CEO of BP in October. He wants to spend more time getting the tar off his balls.

Tony Hayward will step down as CEO of BP in October. You know who was really surprised by this news? No one.

Over 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan have been posted on WikiLeaks. 91,000? That’s more like a WikiDump.

Sarah Palin is defending her invention of the word “refudiate” by pointing out that Shakespeare made up new words too. Such as, my lady, thou art “refugnant.”

A dog trapped in a car on a hot day honked the horn until he was rescued. This has to be the world’s dumbest dog – the car was unlocked.

Glenn Beck says he may go blind within the year. You know what that means? Now he will never see Obama’s birth certificate.

Newly engaged Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are getting a reality show about their relationship. The show is set to air nightly on The Loser Channel.

Good news: Argentina has become the first country in Latin America to legalize same-sex marriage. Even better news? The country just opened a Bed Bath and Be-Gay store.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will not testify at his corruption trial. You know who was really surprised by this news? Rod Blagojevich.

A man in Mexico City was arrested at the airport attempting to smuggle 18 monkeys under his clothes. Police became suspicious when they spotted his shirt peeling a banana and his trousers eating it.

An alligator found its way into an outlet mall in San Juan, Puerto Rico. It was captured and taken to the food court. Panda Express says it tastes like chicken.

Police arrested a man who used a crucifix to pry open a donation box and steal cash from a Fort Lauderdale church. I guess that answers that question, what would Jesus do?

Wells Fargo is eliminating 3,800 jobs. On the bright side, it’s a great time if you’re in the market for a stagecoach driver.

The nineteen year old dubbed the “Barefoot Bandit” was arrested in the Bahamas this week. He’s accused of stealing cars, boats, planes and 126 counts of getting food service without shoes.

Sarah Palin is writing a biography aimed at 9-to-12-year-olds. Funny thing is, it wasn’t meant to be a children’s book.

Rumor has it OJ Simpson is getting married to his prison pen pal. That’s shocking. People still write letters to each other?

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has passed away. His heart quit before it could be fired.

Chelsea Clinton is getting married soon to an orthodox Jew and everyone is trying to predict if she will convert to Judaism. And by everyone I mean Paul the psychic German octopus.

NASA is reporting that this year is the hottest on record. It’s so hot, Mel Gibson says he will continue to rant just for the icy cold reception.

There’s a rumor that the Taliban is training monkeys to fight US troops in Afghanistan. The Taliban is calling it operation “Fling Poop.”

There’s a rumor that the Taliban is training monkeys to fight US troops in Afghanistan. In response, all US troops will be outfitted with a banana.

The YMCA has officially shortened its name to "The Y.” In related news, The Village People have changed their name to “G. A. Y.”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney had heart surgery this week. Doctors say he should be up and having more heart attacks in no time.

The courts have eased FCC policy, relaxing the ban on TV profanity. This is a big F’n deal for Joe Biden.

BP says the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not saying their lying, but we should get a second opinion.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has signed a law making it legal to have concealed weapons in church. Which begs the question – what would Jesus carry?

Actor Bruce Willis is launching his very own signature fragrance. It’s called “Brucey Le Pew.”

The United States And Russia are exchanging spies. As a sign of diplomatic goodwill, Russia has insisted we take a case of their finest Vodka. In response, we insisted they take Yakov Smirnoff.

According to a new study, legalizing marijuana would sharply drive the price down and wipe out any tax windfall. Although to be accurate, the study has a margin of error of +/- Willie Nelson.

According to a new study, legalizing marijuana would sharply drive the price down and wipe out any tax windfall. Two words: Snack Tax.

Glenn Beck has announced that he is starting a school. Beck University will be online only and courses are not for credit. This is for people who couldn’t get into Clown College.

An American geologist has been sentenced to eight years in a Chinese prison for spying. It gets worse, his marriage is on the rocks too.

Iran has released an official guide of haircuts approved for men. The list of unapproved styles includes the Blago, the Trump and the Bieber.

Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating her probation. She tested positive for violating her 15 minutes.

An artist in London has made jam from some of Princess Diana’s hairs. Oh, man – would that taste great on an English muffin.

As part of an investigation the body of American chess champion Bobby Fischer was exhumed. Out of respect, the body was only moved diagonally.

The post office wants to increase the price of a first class stamp by 2 cents. This could affect the nearly six people who still use snail mail.

July is National Ice Cream Month. Ben and Jerry celebrated by licking each other.

Rolling Stone magazine has made Ozzy Osbourne their new health columnist for three issues starting in July. I’m guessing Keith Richards wasn’t available.

Mel Gibson is in hot water. Again. He used the N-word in a voicemail rant to his ex-girlfriend. All I have to say is “Your move, Michael Richards.”

A lock of hair from Napoleon Bonaparte’s head sold at an auction for $13,000. You can tell it’s Napoleon’s hair, the style is short and complex.

A U.S. Airways flight was forced back to the gate after maggots were found on the plane. That’s just great. Now the FAA will ban all carrion luggage.

More details are coming out about the Russian Spies. They were trying to steal our flying car technology.

A study says that 80 percent of women fake orgasms during sex. The same study found that 80 percent of men are cool with that.

The first storm of the season swept through the Gulf of Mexico. BP’s disaster plan does not take hurricanes into consideration. Of course, most people are shocked that BP has a disaster plan.

Eleven people now are accused of being Russian secret spies. Here’s what we know. Ten spies were carrying out long-term assignments to cultivate contacts here in the U.S. and gather sensitive information. The eleventh spy? Steal jokes from Yakov Smirnoff.

Larry King has announced he is retiring. During his long career, Larry conducted roughly 50,000 interviews. His most famous being live from the Acropolis with Socrates.

Larry King is hanging up his suspenders and retiring. Larry says he wants to spend more time shouting at kids to keep off his lawn.

General Mills, the maker of Cheerios and other products, reported a quarterly loss of 41 percent on Tuesday. First General McChrystal and now General Mills. It’s a bad week in general for Generals.

The First International Conference on Yawning took place this week in Paris. Over 20 leading experts from 8 countries were on hand to discuss the latest important developments in the field. I’m guessing that would be covering vs. not covering your mouth.

Hurricane Alex is churning in the Gulf of Mexico. According to the National Hurricane Center winds are gusting at 80 miles per hour. Of course, BP claims 8 to 10 miles per hour.

The FBI has arrested ten people suspected of being Russian secret agents. It was an easy arrest. All ten agents were hiding one inside the other.

The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan are underway. Critics of Kagan claim that she’s too progressive. She quickly proved them wrong by stating her policy is not Progressive – it’s Geico.

General Stanley McChrystal, who was fired last week as the commander of the Afghanistan war, told the Army yesterday that he will retire. Word is, he’s teaming up and going on the road with the Bin Laden hunter.

An 8-year-old cat named Oscar, who lost both back legs in an accident has become the world’s first feline to be fitted with prosthetic legs. Vets say Oscar should be up and making cute YouTube videos in no time.

At the trial of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, the jury listened to a wiretapped phone conversation suggesting Oprah Winfrey fill the Senate seat vacated by President Obama. There you have it, Blago was hoping for a free car too.

Jack Kevorkian, also known as “Dr. Death,” has admitted he’s afraid of dying. This is interesting coming from a guy who has assisted more than 130 people to their deaths. In related news, Dick Cheney made it out of the hospital.

It happened again. Vice President Joe Biden was heard calling a store owner a “smartass.” Although to be fair, calling someone a smartass is not a big F’n deal.

Three chest X-rays of Marilyn Monroe taken in 1954 sold at auction over the weekend for $45,000. The amazing thing? One of the images shows a Kennedy lurking in the background.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney spent the weekend in the hospital after experiencing major discomfort. His heart is fine, his BP stock is down.

Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul wants to build an electronic fence along the U.S. – Mexico border to stop illegal immigration. And get this, the fence will be underground. I know it sounds crazy, but Kevin Costner has the technology.

The American man who went to Pakistan to hunt down Osama Bin Laden is back home but says he’ll try again. His plan? Go cave to cave and flush him out with a vuvuzela.

The agency that controls Internet domain names has approved a new triple X designation. Scrabble players are in for a real shock when they log on.

Some of General Stanley McChrystal’s aides are now saying that their comments to Rolling Stone magazine were off the record. In response, Rolling Stone is going on the record saying, “bite me.”

Today is Take Your Dog to Work Day. Tomorrow is National Change the Carpet at Work Day.

According to an NBC news poll, six percent of American’s still have a favorable opinion of BP. That seems high. How many times did Joe Barton take the poll?

A California couple faces child endangerment charges after they were caught trying to sell their 6-month-old baby outside a Walmart store for $25. Isn’t that awful? They could get twice that outside Target.

A California couple faces child endangerment charges after they were caught trying to sell their 6-month-old baby outside a Walmart store for $25. Finally, one item you can get at Walmart made in the USA.

According to a new report one in five women end their childbearing years without having a baby. The same report found childless woman own 87 percent of all cats.

You see this on the news? A man drifted about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico after passing out drunk on a pool float. No word yet on what Tony Hayward was drinking.

A massage therapist has accused former Vice President Al Gore of "unwanted sexual contact" involving an encounter they had back in 2006. Apparently, Al wanted his “hanging chad” massaged.

The iPhone 4 went on-sale today. One new app is called “Fire Up Your Sex Drive,” which claims to cure erectile dysfunction using sound waves. The sound waves? Barry White.

The University of Minnesota is offering a course called “Oil and Water: The Gulf Oil Spill of 2010.” Sadly, the class runs indefinitely.

At Wimbledon, the world’s longest tennis match, played over three days and more than 11 hours on the court, has finally ended. Which is great news. Six fans reported tennis elbow just from watching.

Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff is out of prison and now working at a kosher pizzeria in Baltimore. Isn’t this what got him in trouble in the first place? Tossing dough around.

A stunning last minute goal at the World Cup handed the United States a 1-0 win over Algeria. I got so excited, I blew my vuvuzela for longer than four hours.

Utah Senator Orin Hatch wants to drug test the unemployed before they can receive government assistance. The Senator is optimistic it will take less than a month to test all the Osmond's.

Afghanistan war commander General Stanley McChrystal met privately with President Obama at the White House today in an effort to save his job. The General apologized for his behavior – then in a surprise move – took off his shoe and dumped out two million dollars in Afgan minerals.

Afghanistan war commander General Stanley McChrystal lost his job today after making comments critical of President Obama. That’s the bad news. The good news? Rolling Stone magazine gave him 24 issues for the price of 12.

Andy Rooney, the 91-year-old veteran news correspondent, says he'll work at "60 Minutes" until he dies. Or until he pulls a Helen Thomas type gaffe, whichever comes first.

Earlier today, BP formally handed over responsibility for the Gulf oil spill operation from Tony Hayward to Bob Dudley. Things are already looking up… Dudley doesn’t own a yacht.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will host a talk show on CNN. However, the show will air on Cinemax.

Sarah Palin has gone on record saying she's tried marijuana. That makes sense. You can’t see Russia with glaucoma.

Over the weekend, BP CEO Tony Hayward went sailing on his yacht, named “Bob.” Which is a lot better than its old name, “Pelican Stalker.”

California is considering digital license plates. In addition to the plate number, the device can also display other information the driver wants to communicate… like flipping the bird.

Larry King hosted a celebrity telethon yesterday to benefit victims of the Gulf Coast oil spill. Over 1.8 million dollars was raised. All the money will go towards paying for divine intervention to make it stop.

Tiger Woods wife, Elin Nordegren, has enrolled in a Florida college psychology course on "human abnormal behavior." Topics include sexual disorder, addiction, and impulse disorders. Elin will also teach the class.

Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square Bomber, plead guilty Monday to ten counts. Nine weapons charges and one count of impersonating a real terrorist.

British Petroleum says CEO Tony Hayward is stepping aside and will no longer oversee the response to the oil spill. BP is handing over day-to-day operations to the company’s managing director Mr. Bob Dudley. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Dudley, do right.”

BP CEO Tony Hayward attended a yacht race in England over the weekend. When asked the name of his yacht, Mr. Hayward said, “I don’t recall.”

BP CEO Tony Hayward attended a yacht race in England over the weekend. Hayward’s yacht named “Douche Weasel” finished in fourth place.

A 56-year-old Tennessee man has won the AARP national spelling bee. The top senior speller in the nation won when he correctly spelled the word “Metamucil.”

For the very first time there are now two women working together on the International Space Station. In preparation for one day living on Mars, NASA is conducting a series of experiments into the complex rituals of woman going to the bathroom in pairs.

The Food and Drug Administration has rejected the “female viagra” pill. The pink pill failed not because it didn’t increase a woman’s desire to have sex, but because their mustache was a turn off.

Are you watching the World Cup? Every time someone scores I yell “Goal.” My wife says it’s annoying. So… I had the 1-800 flower guy send her a lovely bouquet of vuvuzelas.

According to the Food and Drug Administration, a so called ”female viagra” pill fell short in two studies. In the first study, less than half of the female subjects felt any significant sexual arousal. The second study returned even less encouraging results. Not one experienced an erection lasting over four hours.

A woman in California is building a house completely out of an old Boeing 747 airplane. If you look out the left side of the house you can see the mountains. For those on the right side…

Yesterday, as BP CEO Tony Hayward began his opening statement before congress, a woman disrupted the hearing, yelling, "you need to be charged with a crime." A DUI: Drilling Unwise Idiot.

The American construction worker who went to Pakistan to single-handedly kill Osama bin Laden claims he was obeying an order from God he received in a dream. Today, during a nap, God dropped the name Tony Hayward.

15 million pounds of canned "Spaghetti-Os with Meatballs" are being recalled. When asked to comment, Chef Boyardee said, “Uh-Oh.”

The Lakers won the World Championship last night. After the game Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist. You know, if his doctor is anything like mine, he’s gonna get billed for that.

Authorities are investigating 40 human heads found on a Southwest Airlines flight. Turns out, it’s all part of Southwest’s “buy one ticket get one bodyless companion ticket” free promotion.

A bullfighter in Mexico City who ran from the ring during a bullfight has been charged with breach of contract and arrested. Poor guy. He’s still gonna get gored.

BP has agreed to put $20 billion dollars into an escrow account to pay for the oil spill. Or as BP executives call it, donating half their annual bonus.

At the White House yesterday, the chairman of BP said his company “cares about the small people.” The chairman later apologized for his remark and clarified his statement. “What I was trying to say is BP cares about the shrimp.”

The inventor of the the vuvuzela, those extremely loud and obnoxious plastic horns, is named Saddam. Yep, that’s right. We took out the wrong Saddam.

Big news: Earlier today, President Obama asked the maker of vuvuzelas to pay $20 billion dollars for all the damage they are doing.

BP CEO Tony Hayward will testify before a congressional panel tomorrow. In preparation, he is being coached by a team of public relations experts. Their advice: Find the elusive Gulf Coast walrus.

President Obama addressed the nation last night. He said “he will make BP pay for the damage they’ve caused.” Oilboarding begins today.

BP has agreed to put $20 billion in an escrow account to pay for damages. Which is good news. Unfortunately, the account is in the National Bank of Greece.

A new survey says that one in six drivers, roughly 15 percent, has had sex while driving. The percentage goes much higher when there is a second person in the car.

In St. Louis, a pet waste removal worker found $58 packed in the dog poop he was cleaning up. Not too shabby, that’s $406 in dog dollars.

There’s a rumor going around the internet that Sarah Palin may have had breast enlargement surgery. And here I thought I would never have two nice things to say about her again.

The American Medical Association says Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul is not a board certified doctor. His record indicates he’s board certified crazy.

The American Medical Association says Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul is not a board certified doctor. In a related story, all of his Tea Party supporters are board certified crazy.

President Obama is on a two-day trip in the Gulf region to survey the oil spill. He brought the Karate Kid with him to help kick some ass.

President Obama is on a two-day trip in the Gulf region. He’s touring up and down the coast – looking to see where the water used to be.

In a speech yesterday, President Obama promised that "things are going to return to normal" and the Gulf will be in even better shape than before the oil spill. That would be amazing... I can’t even get the oil stain off my garage floor.

Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away over the weekend. In his honor, Denny’s lowered the cost of the Grand Slam breakfast by half.

Did you folks feel the earthquake yesterday? A 5.7 quake rattled Southern California. It turns out, Kirstie Alley slipped and fell. She’s okay though.

Did you folks feel the earthquake yesterday? A 5.7 quake rattled Southern California. If the Lakers don’t win tonight, expect much bigger aftershocks.

Starbucks has announced they will begin offering unlimited free Wi-Fi access in all their stores. That’s the good news. The bad news? It’s decaffeinated Wi-Fi. Very sluggish.

Today is National Flag Day. To celebrate, Starbucks is giving out free lattes to anyone named Betsy Ross.

There’s a rumor going around the internet that Sarah Palin may have had breast enlargement surgery. Only one breast… she quit half way through.

Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away yesterday. The coroner lists the cause of death as “breakfast.”

Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away yesterday. The coroner lists the cause of death as “Jimmy Dean Sausage.”

World Cup: USA and England tied. 1 - 1. The goalkeeper for England let a routine shot slip through his grasp for USA’s only goal. Finally, a Junk Shot that worked.

World Cup: USA and England tied. 1 - 1. The goalkeeper for England let a routine shot slip through his grasp for USA’s only goal. The British are calling it a Junk Shot.

The Coast Guard has demanded that BP step up its efforts to contain the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. Company CEO Tony Hayward was laughing so hard, oil shot out of his nose.

Over the weekend, BP deployed undersea sensors to better measure the flow of oil into the ocean. Estimates show the Gulf is only one quart low… from being full.

A plumber in Michigan helped his wife deliver their baby boy on the bathroom floor of their home. That’s great news; however, now the man’s plunger is missing.

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was “The Karate Kid.” A remake of the popular 80’s film. This new version is slightly different; the kid still waxes on, but he and Mr. Miyagi wax off together.

Did you see this? A deathbed photo of Gary Coleman appeared Wednesday on the cover of Globe Magazine. I don’t want to say it was in poor taste, but the photo, wallet size.

Scientists say the amount of oil gushing into the ocean is significantly higher than previous estimates. Double the amount. Look, I’m no expert, but after decades of fighting oily breakouts, have the Clearasil people been consulted?

The Pork Industry is replacing it’s slogan “The Other White Meat.” The National Pork Board is looking to create another catchy tag line – though I’m not sure their new idea is a winner. “Pork. Because Dog Would Be Wrong.”

British Petroleum’s 582 page contingency plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be severely flawed. And that’s just the title: 'The Oily Pelican Brief.'

A minor league baseball team in Florida is protesting the Gulf oil spill in an unusual way. Instead of referring to batting practice as “BP,” they will now take “hitting rehearsal.” In a related story, Brad Pitt is know calling himself Rad Itt.

World Cup referees are taking a crash course to learn English swear words. The refs want to be proficient in profanities in order to respond to players outbursts. Finally, a reason for Americans to watch soccer.

A New York couple exchanged vows this week and were married inside a shark tank. None of their invited guests attended but two dozen divorce lawyers circled the cage tossing chum.

Good news: The cigarette smoking 2-year-old Indonesian boy has cut down from forty smokes a day to just fifteen. I’m guessing his Nicoderm diaper is working.

A man in Omaha, Nebraska died after being strangled by his 9-foot pet boa constrictor. Squeeze Happens!

A review of British Petroleum’s 582 page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. It’s no wonder, BP lists their lead oil drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills.

Former U.S. Senator and Presidential candidate John Edwards turns 57 today. The disgraced politician spent his birthday quietly watching his sex tape with a couple of buddies: Tiger Woods and Jesse James.

There is a rumor swirling that Sarah Palin got breast implants. It’s only a rumor; nevertheless, it is not her first boob enhancement. Her first “boob enhancement” came when she was chosen as John McCain’s running mate.

There is a rumor swirling that Sarah Palin got breast implants. To be honest, I don’t know and I don’t care. But Vladimir Putin called from Moscow and he can see them.

A minor league baseball team in Florida is protesting the Gulf oil spill in an unusual way. Instead of referring to batting practice as “BP,” they will now take “hitting rehearsal.” In a related story, Oil of Olay, now, just “Olay.”

An Indonesian woman filled out a census form claiming to be 157 years old. Her age is definitely catching up with her… she keeps writing 1910 on all her checks.

Archaeologists in Armenia have discovered the world’s oldest shoe dating back some five thousand years. The shoe is a size nine. However, Larry King is insisting it’s a nine and a half.

This week an Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a new world-record distance without shoes. That’s amazing. Right after finishing he celebrated with a pedicure in the hospital.

President Obama is coming under fire because in the fifty plus days since the start of the Gulf oil spill he has not spoken to the CEO of BP. Whose fault is that? He tried, AT&T kept dropping the call.

Yesterday, Heidi Montag filed for legal separation from her husband Spencer Pratt. She was back in court today… filing a petition to separate her boobs.

BP’s Chief Operating Officer insists that no big underwater oil plumes have been detected from the spill. He went on to say, “It really comes down to how you define what a plume is.” Hey, you can’t spell “Big Plumes” without BP.

BP is spending 50 million dollars on an ad campaign to improve their image. Listen, if they want to improve their image they should change their name… to Exxon.

A teacher in Massachusetts was cleaning her classroom and found a document from 1792 buried in a pile of outdated textbooks. The historical society verified the paper as Larry King’s fourth grade report card.

A restaurant in Sydney, Australia set a world record after cooking a hamburger weighing in at 178 pounds. The burger took 12 hours to cook and 30 minutes for Kirstie Alley to consume.

According to a new study, short people are at greater risk for heart disease than taller people. Talk about kicking people when they are already half way down.

A new poll shows two-thirds of Americans want criminal charges filed against BP. This is strange: The other one-third want to know what Gary Coleman’s friend “Willis was talkin’ ‘bout” before deciding.

The trial of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has started in Chicago. The judge banned Blago from tweeting during the trial. I think that’s best, keep distractions to a minimum. Besides, he’ll have plenty of time to tweet from prison.

Today is World Ocean Day. BP celebrated their usual way… doing nothing!

Today is World Ocean Day. Or as BP calls it, Tuesday.

President Obama said today he wants some “ass to kick” over the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. That’s right, the most powerful person in the free world wants to kick his own ass.

President Obama said today he wants to “kick some ass” over the oil spill. Yep, that’s right. President Obama is sending Samuel L. Jackson to the Gulf.

Longtime Washington White House correspondent, Helen Thomas, is retiring after making highly controversial comments about Israel and Jews. Rumor has it, Mel Gibson will play her in the movie.

California has passed a law banning plastic bags. No word yet on where Heidi Montag plans to move.

A Los Angeles man was sentenced yesterday to four months in prison for attempting to smuggle fourteen exotic birds into the country in his pants. Customs agents grew suspicious when they asked the man if he had anything to declare and he said, “I like to poop on cars.”

A Los Angeles man was sentenced yesterday to four months in prison for attempting to smuggle fourteen exotic birds into the country in his pants. Airport customs agents confiscated thirteen songbirds and one cockatoo.

Last Friday, President Obama made his third trip to the Gulf of Texaco… my bad. Mexico.

President Obama has nominated Lieutenant General James R. Clapper to be the next director of national intelligence. If confirmed by the Senate, the President will clap once to start his term and clap twice to end it.

During an appearance on “Larry King Live” last week, President Obama told Larry that he is furious and very unhappy with BP’s response to the oil disaster. He’s unhappy. You know what’s good for that? Fish oil pills.

Longtime Washington White House correspondent, Helen Thomas, is quitting after making some highly controversial comments about Israel. She’s 89-years-old and retiring: Let me be the first to say, Mazel Tov!

Sad news: Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, are separating after forty years of marriage. It’s an amicable divorce – Tipper gets to keep the house and Al gets to keep dropping in to set the thermostat.

The 2010 Spelling Bee champion was crowned over the weekend. A 14 year-old girl from Ohio won by successfully spelling the word “bonehead.” B-P-C-E-O.

The 2010 Spelling Bee champion was crowned over the weekend. A 14 year-old girl from Ohio won by successfully spelling the word “incompetent.” There was one awkward moment when she asked for its definition and the judge said, “The folks at BP.”

Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. So far he has three friend requests… Transocean, Halliburton and BP.

Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. I checked out his page. You can friend him, poke him, even toss a virtual shoe at him.

Vice President Joe Biden predicts up to 1.4 Million jobs in the U.S. by the end of the year. That’s the good news. The bad news? All of them in the oil clean-up sector.

–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh, 59, married his girlfriend, 33. This was his fourth marriage and her first sugar daddy.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh got married. The couple is registered at Walgreens pharmacy.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh got married. Instead of throwing rice, guests tossed OxyContin.

Gary Coleman passed away last week. Gary leaves behind a wife, many adoring fans and one nagging question.

Today is National Hamburger Day.
– My day is going medium well.
– A great day to get some extra In-N-Out.
– Or as Vegetarians call it – Friday.

Memorial day is here. Or as Richard Blumenthal calls it – Monday.

President Obama was in the Gulf of Mexico today for a firsthand look at the devastating oil spill. The president stood on the beach and vowed to clean up the mess. He then threw out the ceremonial first tar ball.

Legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I’ve got three words of advice... British. Petroleum. Jelly.

The 94th running of the Indianapolis 500 is this weekend. Race officials expect record top speeds this year – the pace car is a Toyota.

Did you know this? Lindsay Lohan’s alcohol-monitoring device is called SCRAM. It stand for Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor. When I first heard Lindsay received a court ordered SCRAM, I got all excited. Unfortunately, turns out, she doesn't have to leave the public eye.

Country music legend Willie Nelson has shocked fans by cutting off his trademark long hair in favor of a new look. The new look... Bieber hair.

Here’s some good news: Violent crime went down last year all across the country. Well sure, in this economy, who can afford ammo?

An 87-year-old man is attempting to break the world pole-vaulting record. The previous record for an 87-year-old... from the floor up into bed.

A sleeping passenger was left on-board a United Airlines plane in Philadelphia for four hours after it landed. Why not, let’s just give the terrorists ideas – sleeper, sleeper cells.

Things keep getting worse for Greece. Yesterday, millions of frogs forced the closure of a major highway. Greece’s economy is so bad, even the plague is leaving town.

Hurricane season starts next week. Forecasters predict that if a Category 5 hits the Gulf oil spill... Kansas can expect tar-balls.

Almost a week after acknowledging he “misspoke” about his military service during Vietnam, a new survey shows Senate candidate Richard Blumenthal still remains the favorite to win the race. This according to a recent Pol Pot poll.

More than 100 census takers have been the victims of violent attacks this month. And that’s just counting the ones who took the time to send in their report.

More than 100 census takers have been the victims of violent attacks this month. This according to a U.S. Census Bureau census of census takers.

Have you seen this? There’s a video on the internet of a two-year-old Indonesian boy smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. “He’s almost three years old, let him do what he wants” said, Rand Paul.

Have you seen this? There’s a video on the internet of a two-year-old Indonesian boy smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. One-year-old’s think he’s cool.