BP has posted a live steaming video online that shows the oil continuously gushing into the ocean. It’s bad folks. I logged on and the damn thing gunked up my hard drive.
The Director of National Intelligence, Dennis Blair, is resigning next week and President Obama is busy interviewing several highly qualified candidates to be his replacement. All of them New York City T-shirt vendors.
Scientist say they are developing a longevity pill that will help a person live well beyond 100 years. That’s the good news. The bad news? Side effects of the pill include death.
A Mississippi community college is cracking down on cursing by charging students money when they utter an off-color word. Next month’s commencement speaker, Joe Biden, is set to raise over $800 dollars.
BP conceded yesterday that they’ve been under-reporting the amount of oil gushing into the Gulf. And by under-reporting they mean – what oil spill?
The Coast Guard now says that tar balls found off the Florida coast are not linked to the massive oil spill. Gulf oil is 10W40 – those Florida tar balls are 5W30.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
President Barack Obama and Mexican President Felipe Calderon held a press conference at the White House yesterday and the translator really screwed up. President Calderon, speaking in Spanish said, “I would like to thank the hospitality of President Obama.” Which translated as, “I would like to see your birth certificate Mr. President.”
Some sad news today: The man who invented the ATM, John Shepherd-Barron, has cashed out.
The man who invented the ATM, John Shepherd-Barron, has died at 84. Mr. Barron leaves behind a wife, three children and his Pin number.
–The family requests that in lieu of flowers, send twenty’s.
–The funeral will take place in front of the ATM at the back of 7-11.
–In honor of his passing, all surcharges will be lowered by half.
An American rights group is suing the police in Pennsylvania for issuing tickets to people for swearing. Lawyers for the group argue that the right to use profanity is protected by the U.S. Constitution. And Joe Biden.
Remember the Octomom? PETA is paying her $5,000 dollars to display a large banner outside her home that reads, “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become An Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” And this is a woman who has fourteen children, if anyone needs spaying...
–What’s ironic, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one of her fourteen children.
A lone thief stole five paintings, including a Picasso and Matisee, from the Museum of Modern Art in Paris. The heist is worth well over one hundred million dollars. Wait a minute, isn’t Lindsay Lohan currently in France?
–Please, Lindsay Lohan, get some help.
Some sad news today: The man who invented the ATM, John Shepherd-Barron, has cashed out.
The man who invented the ATM, John Shepherd-Barron, has died at 84. Mr. Barron leaves behind a wife, three children and his Pin number.
–The family requests that in lieu of flowers, send twenty’s.
–The funeral will take place in front of the ATM at the back of 7-11.
–In honor of his passing, all surcharges will be lowered by half.
An American rights group is suing the police in Pennsylvania for issuing tickets to people for swearing. Lawyers for the group argue that the right to use profanity is protected by the U.S. Constitution. And Joe Biden.
Remember the Octomom? PETA is paying her $5,000 dollars to display a large banner outside her home that reads, “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become An Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” And this is a woman who has fourteen children, if anyone needs spaying...
–What’s ironic, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one of her fourteen children.
A lone thief stole five paintings, including a Picasso and Matisee, from the Museum of Modern Art in Paris. The heist is worth well over one hundred million dollars. Wait a minute, isn’t Lindsay Lohan currently in France?
–Please, Lindsay Lohan, get some help.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Connecticut Senate candidate Richard Blumenthal says he “misspoke” when he claimed he served in Vietnam. At a news conference earlier today, Blumenthal said he would launch a vigorous “Tet Offensive” to clear his name.
The White House plans to establish a commission to investigate the oil disaster. President Barack Obama will appoint an oil czar to oversee the spill – every six months or 5,000 miles whichever comes first.
The Coast Guard now says that tar balls found off the Florida coast are not linked to the Gulf oil spill. In fact, they’re foreign tar balls. You see folks, this is such a great country, even sludge is trying to sneak in.
Indiana Congressman Mark Souder is resigning after acknowledging an extramarital affair with a female member of his staff. Souder, an evangelical Christian, has admitted he sinned before God; putting him inline just behind the RentBoy guy.
A former Food Network chef has pled not guilty to charges he hired a couple of homeless men to kill his wife. Police say the man was depressed after catching his wife with another chef. A Mr. Boyardee.
Charlie Sheen has negotiated a deal that will keep him on the show “Two and a Half Men” for two more years. Or is it prison for two and a half years showering with two men? I get confused with Charlie.
The White House plans to establish a commission to investigate the oil disaster. President Barack Obama will appoint an oil czar to oversee the spill – every six months or 5,000 miles whichever comes first.
The Coast Guard now says that tar balls found off the Florida coast are not linked to the Gulf oil spill. In fact, they’re foreign tar balls. You see folks, this is such a great country, even sludge is trying to sneak in.
Indiana Congressman Mark Souder is resigning after acknowledging an extramarital affair with a female member of his staff. Souder, an evangelical Christian, has admitted he sinned before God; putting him inline just behind the RentBoy guy.
A former Food Network chef has pled not guilty to charges he hired a couple of homeless men to kill his wife. Police say the man was depressed after catching his wife with another chef. A Mr. Boyardee.
Charlie Sheen has negotiated a deal that will keep him on the show “Two and a Half Men” for two more years. Or is it prison for two and a half years showering with two men? I get confused with Charlie.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A former Food Network chef has pled not guilty to charges he hired a couple of homeless men to kill his wife. And this guy calls himself a chef? Look at his recipe for murder – hobo’s.
The White House plans to establish a presidential commission to investigate the oil spill. Their first order of business, get the CEO’s from Halliburton, Transocean and BP to sit down together so we can Tar Balls and Feather them.
Pictures have surfaced showing the newly crowned Miss USA, Rima Fakih, pole dancing in a competition where she too was crowned the winner. One more victory and she will be the first Arab-American to capture the triple crown.
BP says the Gulf oil spill cleanup has cost the company $450 Million so far. $449 million for the failed dome, top-hat and junk shot. One million to come up with some better names.
A United Airlines flight en route from New York to Los Angeles made an emergency landing yesterday due to smoke and fire in the cockpit. Nobody was hurt thanks to the quick response of an alert T-shirt vendor in coach class.
The U.S. Coast Guard says tar balls have been found on the beaches in Florida. Seriously, enough about the people who retire there.
Sarah Palin’s oldest daughter Bristol has signed with a speakers bureau asking between $15,000 to $30,000 per speech. For fifteen grand Bristol will read the speech off her hand. For thirty grand she won’t speak at all.
The White House plans to establish a presidential commission to investigate the oil spill. Their first order of business, get the CEO’s from Halliburton, Transocean and BP to sit down together so we can Tar Balls and Feather them.
Pictures have surfaced showing the newly crowned Miss USA, Rima Fakih, pole dancing in a competition where she too was crowned the winner. One more victory and she will be the first Arab-American to capture the triple crown.
BP says the Gulf oil spill cleanup has cost the company $450 Million so far. $449 million for the failed dome, top-hat and junk shot. One million to come up with some better names.
A United Airlines flight en route from New York to Los Angeles made an emergency landing yesterday due to smoke and fire in the cockpit. Nobody was hurt thanks to the quick response of an alert T-shirt vendor in coach class.
The U.S. Coast Guard says tar balls have been found on the beaches in Florida. Seriously, enough about the people who retire there.
Sarah Palin’s oldest daughter Bristol has signed with a speakers bureau asking between $15,000 to $30,000 per speech. For fifteen grand Bristol will read the speech off her hand. For thirty grand she won’t speak at all.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sarah Palin has come out in full support of Arizona’s immigration law. Speaking in Phoenix this weekend Palin said, “We’re All Arizonans Now.” She then stunned the crowd, repeating it in Spanish, “Ich bin ein Arizonan.”
Finally, some good news from the Gulf: Plans are underway to eliminate the millions of gallons of sticky residue in the water. Cleanup crews are busy applying a super strength, fast acting solvent, specially formulated to tackle the toughest oil spill – Goo ‘BP’ Gone.
Over the weekend, Playboy magazine’s June edition went on-sale featuring the first ever centerfold in 3-D. The eye-popping Miss June lists her turn-ons as “long walks on the beach at sunset.” And her turn-offs as “guys wearing funny glasses.”
A 16 year old girl from Australia has become the youngest person to sail around the world solo. During the seven month journey the teenager successfully maneuvered her boat through raging storms, 40 foot waves and 3.5 million gallons of raging oil.
A 16 year old girl from Australia has become the youngest person to sail around the world solo. You know, when I was 16 – I soloed three times a day.
The oil spill in the Gulf is affecting restaurant customers. In fact, I went to lunch this weekend at Long John Silvers and Tar Balls washed up on my plate.
The popular NBC show “Law & Order” has been canceled. After twenty years on the air they pretty much ran out of ideas. Did you see the last episode? Just a close up shot of a dead guy with the sound effect playing over and over and over...
A five-star hotel in Abu Dhabi has installed a vending machine in its lobby that dispenses gold bars and gold coins. And get this, it doesn’t take credit cards. I’d hate to be second in line while some drunk sheik loads in $900 bucks in quarters.
Finally, some good news from the Gulf: Plans are underway to eliminate the millions of gallons of sticky residue in the water. Cleanup crews are busy applying a super strength, fast acting solvent, specially formulated to tackle the toughest oil spill – Goo ‘BP’ Gone.
Over the weekend, Playboy magazine’s June edition went on-sale featuring the first ever centerfold in 3-D. The eye-popping Miss June lists her turn-ons as “long walks on the beach at sunset.” And her turn-offs as “guys wearing funny glasses.”
A 16 year old girl from Australia has become the youngest person to sail around the world solo. During the seven month journey the teenager successfully maneuvered her boat through raging storms, 40 foot waves and 3.5 million gallons of raging oil.
A 16 year old girl from Australia has become the youngest person to sail around the world solo. You know, when I was 16 – I soloed three times a day.
The oil spill in the Gulf is affecting restaurant customers. In fact, I went to lunch this weekend at Long John Silvers and Tar Balls washed up on my plate.
The popular NBC show “Law & Order” has been canceled. After twenty years on the air they pretty much ran out of ideas. Did you see the last episode? Just a close up shot of a dead guy with the sound effect playing over and over and over...
A five-star hotel in Abu Dhabi has installed a vending machine in its lobby that dispenses gold bars and gold coins. And get this, it doesn’t take credit cards. I’d hate to be second in line while some drunk sheik loads in $900 bucks in quarters.
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