Did you see this? A deathbed photo of Gary Coleman appeared Wednesday on the cover of Globe Magazine. I don’t want to say it was in poor taste, but the photo, wallet size.
Scientists say the amount of oil gushing into the ocean is significantly higher than previous estimates. Double the amount. Look, I’m no expert, but after decades of fighting oily breakouts, have the Clearasil people been consulted?
The Pork Industry is replacing it’s slogan “The Other White Meat.” The National Pork Board is looking to create another catchy tag line – though I’m not sure their new idea is a winner. “Pork. Because Dog Would Be Wrong.”
British Petroleum’s 582 page contingency plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be severely flawed. And that’s just the title: 'The Oily Pelican Brief.'
A minor league baseball team in Florida is protesting the Gulf oil spill in an unusual way. Instead of referring to batting practice as “BP,” they will now take “hitting rehearsal.” In a related story, Brad Pitt is know calling himself Rad Itt.
World Cup referees are taking a crash course to learn English swear words. The refs want to be proficient in profanities in order to respond to players outbursts. Finally, a reason for Americans to watch soccer.
A New York couple exchanged vows this week and were married inside a shark tank. None of their invited guests attended but two dozen divorce lawyers circled the cage tossing chum.
Good news: The cigarette smoking 2-year-old Indonesian boy has cut down from forty smokes a day to just fifteen. I’m guessing his Nicoderm diaper is working.
A man in Omaha, Nebraska died after being strangled by his 9-foot pet boa constrictor. Squeeze Happens!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
A review of British Petroleum’s 582 page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. It’s no wonder, BP lists their lead oil drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills.
Former U.S. Senator and Presidential candidate John Edwards turns 57 today. The disgraced politician spent his birthday quietly watching his sex tape with a couple of buddies: Tiger Woods and Jesse James.
There is a rumor swirling that Sarah Palin got breast implants. It’s only a rumor; nevertheless, it is not her first boob enhancement. Her first “boob enhancement” came when she was chosen as John McCain’s running mate.
There is a rumor swirling that Sarah Palin got breast implants. To be honest, I don’t know and I don’t care. But Vladimir Putin called from Moscow and he can see them.
A minor league baseball team in Florida is protesting the Gulf oil spill in an unusual way. Instead of referring to batting practice as “BP,” they will now take “hitting rehearsal.” In a related story, Oil of Olay, now, just “Olay.”
An Indonesian woman filled out a census form claiming to be 157 years old. Her age is definitely catching up with her… she keeps writing 1910 on all her checks.
Archaeologists in Armenia have discovered the world’s oldest shoe dating back some five thousand years. The shoe is a size nine. However, Larry King is insisting it’s a nine and a half.
This week an Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a new world-record distance without shoes. That’s amazing. Right after finishing he celebrated with a pedicure in the hospital.
President Obama is coming under fire because in the fifty plus days since the start of the Gulf oil spill he has not spoken to the CEO of BP. Whose fault is that? He tried, AT&T kept dropping the call.
Former U.S. Senator and Presidential candidate John Edwards turns 57 today. The disgraced politician spent his birthday quietly watching his sex tape with a couple of buddies: Tiger Woods and Jesse James.
There is a rumor swirling that Sarah Palin got breast implants. It’s only a rumor; nevertheless, it is not her first boob enhancement. Her first “boob enhancement” came when she was chosen as John McCain’s running mate.
There is a rumor swirling that Sarah Palin got breast implants. To be honest, I don’t know and I don’t care. But Vladimir Putin called from Moscow and he can see them.
A minor league baseball team in Florida is protesting the Gulf oil spill in an unusual way. Instead of referring to batting practice as “BP,” they will now take “hitting rehearsal.” In a related story, Oil of Olay, now, just “Olay.”
An Indonesian woman filled out a census form claiming to be 157 years old. Her age is definitely catching up with her… she keeps writing 1910 on all her checks.
Archaeologists in Armenia have discovered the world’s oldest shoe dating back some five thousand years. The shoe is a size nine. However, Larry King is insisting it’s a nine and a half.
This week an Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a new world-record distance without shoes. That’s amazing. Right after finishing he celebrated with a pedicure in the hospital.
President Obama is coming under fire because in the fifty plus days since the start of the Gulf oil spill he has not spoken to the CEO of BP. Whose fault is that? He tried, AT&T kept dropping the call.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Yesterday, Heidi Montag filed for legal separation from her husband Spencer Pratt. She was back in court today… filing a petition to separate her boobs.
BP’s Chief Operating Officer insists that no big underwater oil plumes have been detected from the spill. He went on to say, “It really comes down to how you define what a plume is.” Hey, you can’t spell “Big Plumes” without BP.
BP is spending 50 million dollars on an ad campaign to improve their image. Listen, if they want to improve their image they should change their name… to Exxon.
A teacher in Massachusetts was cleaning her classroom and found a document from 1792 buried in a pile of outdated textbooks. The historical society verified the paper as Larry King’s fourth grade report card.
A restaurant in Sydney, Australia set a world record after cooking a hamburger weighing in at 178 pounds. The burger took 12 hours to cook and 30 minutes for Kirstie Alley to consume.
According to a new study, short people are at greater risk for heart disease than taller people. Talk about kicking people when they are already half way down.
A new poll shows two-thirds of Americans want criminal charges filed against BP. This is strange: The other one-third want to know what Gary Coleman’s friend “Willis was talkin’ ‘bout” before deciding.
The trial of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has started in Chicago. The judge banned Blago from tweeting during the trial. I think that’s best, keep distractions to a minimum. Besides, he’ll have plenty of time to tweet from prison.
BP’s Chief Operating Officer insists that no big underwater oil plumes have been detected from the spill. He went on to say, “It really comes down to how you define what a plume is.” Hey, you can’t spell “Big Plumes” without BP.
BP is spending 50 million dollars on an ad campaign to improve their image. Listen, if they want to improve their image they should change their name… to Exxon.
A teacher in Massachusetts was cleaning her classroom and found a document from 1792 buried in a pile of outdated textbooks. The historical society verified the paper as Larry King’s fourth grade report card.
A restaurant in Sydney, Australia set a world record after cooking a hamburger weighing in at 178 pounds. The burger took 12 hours to cook and 30 minutes for Kirstie Alley to consume.
According to a new study, short people are at greater risk for heart disease than taller people. Talk about kicking people when they are already half way down.
A new poll shows two-thirds of Americans want criminal charges filed against BP. This is strange: The other one-third want to know what Gary Coleman’s friend “Willis was talkin’ ‘bout” before deciding.
The trial of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has started in Chicago. The judge banned Blago from tweeting during the trial. I think that’s best, keep distractions to a minimum. Besides, he’ll have plenty of time to tweet from prison.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Today is World Ocean Day. BP celebrated their usual way… doing nothing!
Today is World Ocean Day. Or as BP calls it, Tuesday.
President Obama said today he wants some “ass to kick” over the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. That’s right, the most powerful person in the free world wants to kick his own ass.
President Obama said today he wants to “kick some ass” over the oil spill. Yep, that’s right. President Obama is sending Samuel L. Jackson to the Gulf.
Longtime Washington White House correspondent, Helen Thomas, is retiring after making highly controversial comments about Israel and Jews. Rumor has it, Mel Gibson will play her in the movie.
California has passed a law banning plastic bags. No word yet on where Heidi Montag plans to move.
A Los Angeles man was sentenced yesterday to four months in prison for attempting to smuggle fourteen exotic birds into the country in his pants. Customs agents grew suspicious when they asked the man if he had anything to declare and he said, “I like to poop on cars.”
A Los Angeles man was sentenced yesterday to four months in prison for attempting to smuggle fourteen exotic birds into the country in his pants. Airport customs agents confiscated thirteen songbirds and one cockatoo.
Today is World Ocean Day. Or as BP calls it, Tuesday.
President Obama said today he wants some “ass to kick” over the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. That’s right, the most powerful person in the free world wants to kick his own ass.
President Obama said today he wants to “kick some ass” over the oil spill. Yep, that’s right. President Obama is sending Samuel L. Jackson to the Gulf.
Longtime Washington White House correspondent, Helen Thomas, is retiring after making highly controversial comments about Israel and Jews. Rumor has it, Mel Gibson will play her in the movie.
California has passed a law banning plastic bags. No word yet on where Heidi Montag plans to move.
A Los Angeles man was sentenced yesterday to four months in prison for attempting to smuggle fourteen exotic birds into the country in his pants. Customs agents grew suspicious when they asked the man if he had anything to declare and he said, “I like to poop on cars.”
A Los Angeles man was sentenced yesterday to four months in prison for attempting to smuggle fourteen exotic birds into the country in his pants. Airport customs agents confiscated thirteen songbirds and one cockatoo.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Last Friday, President Obama made his third trip to the Gulf of Texaco… my bad. Mexico.
President Obama has nominated Lieutenant General James R. Clapper to be the next director of national intelligence. If confirmed by the Senate, the President will clap once to start his term and clap twice to end it.
During an appearance on “Larry King Live” last week, President Obama told Larry that he is furious and very unhappy with BP’s response to the oil disaster. He’s unhappy. You know what’s good for that? Fish oil pills.
Longtime Washington White House correspondent, Helen Thomas, is quitting after making some highly controversial comments about Israel. She’s 89-years-old and retiring: Let me be the first to say, Mazel Tov!
Sad news: Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, are separating after forty years of marriage. It’s an amicable divorce – Tipper gets to keep the house and Al gets to keep dropping in to set the thermostat.
The 2010 Spelling Bee champion was crowned over the weekend. A 14 year-old girl from Ohio won by successfully spelling the word “bonehead.” B-P-C-E-O.
The 2010 Spelling Bee champion was crowned over the weekend. A 14 year-old girl from Ohio won by successfully spelling the word “incompetent.” There was one awkward moment when she asked for its definition and the judge said, “The folks at BP.”
Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. So far he has three friend requests… Transocean, Halliburton and BP.
Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. I checked out his page. You can friend him, poke him, even toss a virtual shoe at him.
Vice President Joe Biden predicts up to 1.4 Million jobs in the U.S. by the end of the year. That’s the good news. The bad news? All of them in the oil clean-up sector.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh, 59, married his girlfriend, 33. This was his fourth marriage and her first sugar daddy.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh got married. The couple is registered at Walgreens pharmacy.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh got married. Instead of throwing rice, guests tossed OxyContin.
Gary Coleman passed away last week. Gary leaves behind a wife, many adoring fans and one nagging question.
President Obama has nominated Lieutenant General James R. Clapper to be the next director of national intelligence. If confirmed by the Senate, the President will clap once to start his term and clap twice to end it.
During an appearance on “Larry King Live” last week, President Obama told Larry that he is furious and very unhappy with BP’s response to the oil disaster. He’s unhappy. You know what’s good for that? Fish oil pills.
Longtime Washington White House correspondent, Helen Thomas, is quitting after making some highly controversial comments about Israel. She’s 89-years-old and retiring: Let me be the first to say, Mazel Tov!
Sad news: Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, are separating after forty years of marriage. It’s an amicable divorce – Tipper gets to keep the house and Al gets to keep dropping in to set the thermostat.
The 2010 Spelling Bee champion was crowned over the weekend. A 14 year-old girl from Ohio won by successfully spelling the word “bonehead.” B-P-C-E-O.
The 2010 Spelling Bee champion was crowned over the weekend. A 14 year-old girl from Ohio won by successfully spelling the word “incompetent.” There was one awkward moment when she asked for its definition and the judge said, “The folks at BP.”
Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. So far he has three friend requests… Transocean, Halliburton and BP.
Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. I checked out his page. You can friend him, poke him, even toss a virtual shoe at him.
Vice President Joe Biden predicts up to 1.4 Million jobs in the U.S. by the end of the year. That’s the good news. The bad news? All of them in the oil clean-up sector.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh, 59, married his girlfriend, 33. This was his fourth marriage and her first sugar daddy.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh got married. The couple is registered at Walgreens pharmacy.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh got married. Instead of throwing rice, guests tossed OxyContin.
Gary Coleman passed away last week. Gary leaves behind a wife, many adoring fans and one nagging question.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)