Are you watching the World Cup? Every time someone scores I yell “Goal.” My wife says it’s annoying. So… I had the 1-800 flower guy send her a lovely bouquet of vuvuzelas.
According to the Food and Drug Administration, a so called ”female viagra” pill fell short in two studies. In the first study, less than half of the female subjects felt any significant sexual arousal. The second study returned even less encouraging results. Not one experienced an erection lasting over four hours.
A woman in California is building a house completely out of an old Boeing 747 airplane. If you look out the left side of the house you can see the mountains. For those on the right side…
Yesterday, as BP CEO Tony Hayward began his opening statement before congress, a woman disrupted the hearing, yelling, "you need to be charged with a crime." A DUI: Drilling Unwise Idiot.
The American construction worker who went to Pakistan to single-handedly kill Osama bin Laden claims he was obeying an order from God he received in a dream. Today, during a nap, God dropped the name Tony Hayward.
15 million pounds of canned "Spaghetti-Os with Meatballs" are being recalled. When asked to comment, Chef Boyardee said, “Uh-Oh.”
The Lakers won the World Championship last night. After the game Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist. You know, if his doctor is anything like mine, he’s gonna get billed for that.
Authorities are investigating 40 human heads found on a Southwest Airlines flight. Turns out, it’s all part of Southwest’s “buy one ticket get one bodyless companion ticket” free promotion.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
A bullfighter in Mexico City who ran from the ring during a bullfight has been charged with breach of contract and arrested. Poor guy. He’s still gonna get gored.
BP has agreed to put $20 billion dollars into an escrow account to pay for the oil spill. Or as BP executives call it, donating half their annual bonus.
At the White House yesterday, the chairman of BP said his company “cares about the small people.” The chairman later apologized for his remark and clarified his statement. “What I was trying to say is BP cares about the shrimp.”
The inventor of the the vuvuzela, those extremely loud and obnoxious plastic horns, is named Saddam. Yep, that’s right. We took out the wrong Saddam.
Big news: Earlier today, President Obama asked the maker of vuvuzelas to pay $20 billion dollars for all the damage they are doing.
BP has agreed to put $20 billion dollars into an escrow account to pay for the oil spill. Or as BP executives call it, donating half their annual bonus.
At the White House yesterday, the chairman of BP said his company “cares about the small people.” The chairman later apologized for his remark and clarified his statement. “What I was trying to say is BP cares about the shrimp.”
The inventor of the the vuvuzela, those extremely loud and obnoxious plastic horns, is named Saddam. Yep, that’s right. We took out the wrong Saddam.
Big news: Earlier today, President Obama asked the maker of vuvuzelas to pay $20 billion dollars for all the damage they are doing.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
BP CEO Tony Hayward will testify before a congressional panel tomorrow. In preparation, he is being coached by a team of public relations experts. Their advice: Find the elusive Gulf Coast walrus.
President Obama addressed the nation last night. He said “he will make BP pay for the damage they’ve caused.” Oilboarding begins today.
BP has agreed to put $20 billion in an escrow account to pay for damages. Which is good news. Unfortunately, the account is in the National Bank of Greece.
A new survey says that one in six drivers, roughly 15 percent, has had sex while driving. The percentage goes much higher when there is a second person in the car.
In St. Louis, a pet waste removal worker found $58 packed in the dog poop he was cleaning up. Not too shabby, that’s $406 in dog dollars.
There’s a rumor going around the internet that Sarah Palin may have had breast enlargement surgery. And here I thought I would never have two nice things to say about her again.
President Obama addressed the nation last night. He said “he will make BP pay for the damage they’ve caused.” Oilboarding begins today.
BP has agreed to put $20 billion in an escrow account to pay for damages. Which is good news. Unfortunately, the account is in the National Bank of Greece.
A new survey says that one in six drivers, roughly 15 percent, has had sex while driving. The percentage goes much higher when there is a second person in the car.
In St. Louis, a pet waste removal worker found $58 packed in the dog poop he was cleaning up. Not too shabby, that’s $406 in dog dollars.
There’s a rumor going around the internet that Sarah Palin may have had breast enlargement surgery. And here I thought I would never have two nice things to say about her again.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The American Medical Association says Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul is not a board certified doctor. His record indicates he’s board certified crazy.
The American Medical Association says Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul is not a board certified doctor. In a related story, all of his Tea Party supporters are board certified crazy.
President Obama is on a two-day trip in the Gulf region to survey the oil spill. He brought the Karate Kid with him to help kick some ass.
President Obama is on a two-day trip in the Gulf region. He’s touring up and down the coast – looking to see where the water used to be.
In a speech yesterday, President Obama promised that "things are going to return to normal" and the Gulf will be in even better shape than before the oil spill. That would be amazing... I can’t even get the oil stain off my garage floor.
Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away over the weekend. In his honor, Denny’s lowered the cost of the Grand Slam breakfast by half.
Did you folks feel the earthquake yesterday? A 5.7 quake rattled Southern California. It turns out, Kirstie Alley slipped and fell. She’s okay though.
Did you folks feel the earthquake yesterday? A 5.7 quake rattled Southern California. If the Lakers don’t win tonight, expect much bigger aftershocks.
Starbucks has announced they will begin offering unlimited free Wi-Fi access in all their stores. That’s the good news. The bad news? It’s decaffeinated Wi-Fi. Very sluggish.
The American Medical Association says Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul is not a board certified doctor. In a related story, all of his Tea Party supporters are board certified crazy.
President Obama is on a two-day trip in the Gulf region to survey the oil spill. He brought the Karate Kid with him to help kick some ass.
President Obama is on a two-day trip in the Gulf region. He’s touring up and down the coast – looking to see where the water used to be.
In a speech yesterday, President Obama promised that "things are going to return to normal" and the Gulf will be in even better shape than before the oil spill. That would be amazing... I can’t even get the oil stain off my garage floor.
Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away over the weekend. In his honor, Denny’s lowered the cost of the Grand Slam breakfast by half.
Did you folks feel the earthquake yesterday? A 5.7 quake rattled Southern California. It turns out, Kirstie Alley slipped and fell. She’s okay though.
Did you folks feel the earthquake yesterday? A 5.7 quake rattled Southern California. If the Lakers don’t win tonight, expect much bigger aftershocks.
Starbucks has announced they will begin offering unlimited free Wi-Fi access in all their stores. That’s the good news. The bad news? It’s decaffeinated Wi-Fi. Very sluggish.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Today is National Flag Day. To celebrate, Starbucks is giving out free lattes to anyone named Betsy Ross.
There’s a rumor going around the internet that Sarah Palin may have had breast enlargement surgery. Only one breast… she quit half way through.
Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away yesterday. The coroner lists the cause of death as “breakfast.”
Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away yesterday. The coroner lists the cause of death as “Jimmy Dean Sausage.”
World Cup: USA and England tied. 1 - 1. The goalkeeper for England let a routine shot slip through his grasp for USA’s only goal. Finally, a Junk Shot that worked.
World Cup: USA and England tied. 1 - 1. The goalkeeper for England let a routine shot slip through his grasp for USA’s only goal. The British are calling it a Junk Shot.
The Coast Guard has demanded that BP step up its efforts to contain the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. Company CEO Tony Hayward was laughing so hard, oil shot out of his nose.
Over the weekend, BP deployed undersea sensors to better measure the flow of oil into the ocean. Estimates show the Gulf is only one quart low… from being full.
A plumber in Michigan helped his wife deliver their baby boy on the bathroom floor of their home. That’s great news; however, now the man’s plunger is missing.
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was “The Karate Kid.” A remake of the popular 80’s film. This new version is slightly different; the kid still waxes on, but he and Mr. Miyagi wax off together.
There’s a rumor going around the internet that Sarah Palin may have had breast enlargement surgery. Only one breast… she quit half way through.
Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away yesterday. The coroner lists the cause of death as “breakfast.”
Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away yesterday. The coroner lists the cause of death as “Jimmy Dean Sausage.”
World Cup: USA and England tied. 1 - 1. The goalkeeper for England let a routine shot slip through his grasp for USA’s only goal. Finally, a Junk Shot that worked.
World Cup: USA and England tied. 1 - 1. The goalkeeper for England let a routine shot slip through his grasp for USA’s only goal. The British are calling it a Junk Shot.
The Coast Guard has demanded that BP step up its efforts to contain the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. Company CEO Tony Hayward was laughing so hard, oil shot out of his nose.
Over the weekend, BP deployed undersea sensors to better measure the flow of oil into the ocean. Estimates show the Gulf is only one quart low… from being full.
A plumber in Michigan helped his wife deliver their baby boy on the bathroom floor of their home. That’s great news; however, now the man’s plunger is missing.
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was “The Karate Kid.” A remake of the popular 80’s film. This new version is slightly different; the kid still waxes on, but he and Mr. Miyagi wax off together.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)