Late Night Talk Show Jokes Tyler-Made

2010-09-02T16:55:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,

I've had to put this freelance work aside as I've been busy working on my other comedy projects, but I will be back soon. In the meantime feel free to browse the jokes; many of which sold to the Tonight Show.

Here are just a few of my personal favorites:

The FBI has arrested ten people suspected of being Russian secret agents. It was an easy arrest. All ten agents were hiding one inside the other.

A review of British Petroleum’s 582 page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. It’s no wonder, BP lists their lead oil drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills.

Things keep getting worse for Greece. Yesterday, millions of frogs forced the closure of a major highway. Greece’s economy is so bad, even the plague is leaving town.

Good news: The cigarette smoking 2-year-old Indonesian boy has cut down from forty smokes a day to just fifteen. I’m guessing his Nicoderm diaper is working.

You see this on the news? A newlywed couple collected 400,000 aluminum cans to pay for their marriage. I hope they make it – divorce can run over 800,000 cans.

Tyler

2010-08-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

Good news for Al Gore: Charges of sexual harassment by a massage therapist have been dropped. I guess you could say he did get a happy ending.

George W. Bush pushed back publication of his memoirs, "Decision Points," out of fear that a public reminder of his presidential legacy would hurt Republicans heading into November's midterm elections. And, he needs more time to finish reading the book.

16-year-old Justin Bieber is writing his memoirs. An advance copy has leaked: “OMG, WTF, LOL, GTR, Bieber out.”

Rudy Giuliani’s 20-year-old daughter was caught shoplifting from a beauty supply store in New York. Rudy blames 9/11.

Wednesday was President Obama’s 49th birthday. His wife and children were out of town but the Salahis dropped in.

A new poll shows that 27% of American’s believe President Obama was born in a foreign country. The poll has a margin of error of +/– Fox News viewers.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have called off their second engagement. Good news everyone, they’re available.

A newlywed couple collected 400,000 aluminum cans to pay for their marriage. I hope they make it – divorce can run over 800,000 cans.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have called off their second engagement. Sarah Palin said the kids had “irreconrefudiatable differences.”

The inventor of Cheez Doodles has died at 90. The snack creator credits his long life to not eating any foods named “doodles.”

Speaking to Fox News, Sarah Palin said President Obama doesn't have "the cojones" to fix illegal immigration. In a related story, Palin said she plans to fix Levi Johnston’s cojones.

Tony Hayward will step down as CEO of BP in October. He wants to spend more time getting the tar off his balls.

Tony Hayward will step down as CEO of BP in October. You know who was really surprised by this news? No one.

Over 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan have been posted on WikiLeaks. 91,000? That’s more like a WikiDump.

2010-07-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin is defending her invention of the word “refudiate” by pointing out that Shakespeare made up new words too. Such as, my lady, thou art “refugnant.”

A dog trapped in a car on a hot day honked the horn until he was rescued. This has to be the world’s dumbest dog – the car was unlocked.

Glenn Beck says he may go blind within the year. You know what that means? Now he will never see Obama’s birth certificate.

Newly engaged Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are getting a reality show about their relationship. The show is set to air nightly on The Loser Channel.

Good news: Argentina has become the first country in Latin America to legalize same-sex marriage. Even better news? The country just opened a Bed Bath and Be-Gay store.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will not testify at his corruption trial. You know who was really surprised by this news? Rod Blagojevich.

A man in Mexico City was arrested at the airport attempting to smuggle 18 monkeys under his clothes. Police became suspicious when they spotted his shirt peeling a banana and his trousers eating it.

An alligator found its way into an outlet mall in San Juan, Puerto Rico. It was captured and taken to the food court. Panda Express says it tastes like chicken.

Police arrested a man who used a crucifix to pry open a donation box and steal cash from a Fort Lauderdale church. I guess that answers that question, what would Jesus do?

2010-07-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

Wells Fargo is eliminating 3,800 jobs. On the bright side, it’s a great time if you’re in the market for a stagecoach driver.

The nineteen year old dubbed the “Barefoot Bandit” was arrested in the Bahamas this week. He’s accused of stealing cars, boats, planes and 126 counts of getting food service without shoes.

Sarah Palin is writing a biography aimed at 9-to-12-year-olds. Funny thing is, it wasn’t meant to be a children’s book.

Rumor has it OJ Simpson is getting married to his prison pen pal. That’s shocking. People still write letters to each other?

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has passed away. His heart quit before it could be fired.

Chelsea Clinton is getting married soon to an orthodox Jew and everyone is trying to predict if she will convert to Judaism. And by everyone I mean Paul the psychic German octopus.

NASA is reporting that this year is the hottest on record. It’s so hot, Mel Gibson says he will continue to rant just for the icy cold reception.

There’s a rumor that the Taliban is training monkeys to fight US troops in Afghanistan. The Taliban is calling it operation “Fling Poop.”

There’s a rumor that the Taliban is training monkeys to fight US troops in Afghanistan. In response, all US troops will be outfitted with a banana.

The YMCA has officially shortened its name to "The Y.” In related news, The Village People have changed their name to “G. A. Y.”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney had heart surgery this week. Doctors say he should be up and having more heart attacks in no time.

The courts have eased FCC policy, relaxing the ban on TV profanity. This is a big F’n deal for Joe Biden.

BP says the containment cap is working and no oil is leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not saying their lying, but we should get a second opinion.

2010-07-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has signed a law making it legal to have concealed weapons in church. Which begs the question – what would Jesus carry?

Actor Bruce Willis is launching his very own signature fragrance. It’s called “Brucey Le Pew.”

The United States And Russia are exchanging spies. As a sign of diplomatic goodwill, Russia has insisted we take a case of their finest Vodka. In response, we insisted they take Yakov Smirnoff.

2010-07-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

According to a new study, legalizing marijuana would sharply drive the price down and wipe out any tax windfall. Although to be accurate, the study has a margin of error of +/- Willie Nelson.

According to a new study, legalizing marijuana would sharply drive the price down and wipe out any tax windfall. Two words: Snack Tax.

Glenn Beck has announced that he is starting a school. Beck University will be online only and courses are not for credit. This is for people who couldn’t get into Clown College.

2010-07-07T11:27:00.000-07:00

An American geologist has been sentenced to eight years in a Chinese prison for spying. It gets worse, his marriage is on the rocks too.

Iran has released an official guide of haircuts approved for men. The list of unapproved styles includes the Blago, the Trump and the Bieber.

Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating her probation. She tested positive for violating her 15 minutes.

2010-07-06T18:39:00.001-07:00

An artist in London has made jam from some of Princess Diana’s hairs. Oh, man – would that taste great on an English muffin.

As part of an investigation the body of American chess champion Bobby Fischer was exhumed. Out of respect, the body was only moved diagonally.

The post office wants to increase the price of a first class stamp by 2 cents. This could affect the nearly six people who still use snail mail.

2010-07-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

July is National Ice Cream Month. Ben and Jerry celebrated by licking each other.

Rolling Stone magazine has made Ozzy Osbourne their new health columnist for three issues starting in July. I’m guessing Keith Richards wasn’t available.

Mel Gibson is in hot water. Again. He used the N-word in a voicemail rant to his ex-girlfriend. All I have to say is “Your move, Michael Richards.”

A lock of hair from Napoleon Bonaparte’s head sold at an auction for $13,000. You can tell it’s Napoleon’s hair, the style is short and complex.

2010-07-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

A U.S. Airways flight was forced back to the gate after maggots were found on the plane. That’s just great. Now the FAA will ban all carrion luggage.

More details are coming out about the Russian Spies. They were trying to steal our flying car technology.

A study says that 80 percent of women fake orgasms during sex. The same study found that 80 percent of men are cool with that.

The first storm of the season swept through the Gulf of Mexico. BP’s disaster plan does not take hurricanes into consideration. Of course, most people are shocked that BP has a disaster plan.

2010-06-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

Eleven people now are accused of being Russian secret spies. Here’s what we know. Ten spies were carrying out long-term assignments to cultivate contacts here in the U.S. and gather sensitive information. The eleventh spy? Steal jokes from Yakov Smirnoff.

Larry King has announced he is retiring. During his long career, Larry conducted roughly 50,000 interviews. His most famous being live from the Acropolis with Socrates.

Larry King is hanging up his suspenders and retiring. Larry says he wants to spend more time shouting at kids to keep off his lawn.

General Mills, the maker of Cheerios and other products, reported a quarterly loss of 41 percent on Tuesday. First General McChrystal and now General Mills. It’s a bad week in general for Generals.

The First International Conference on Yawning took place this week in Paris. Over 20 leading experts from 8 countries were on hand to discuss the latest important developments in the field. I’m guessing that would be covering vs. not covering your mouth.

Hurricane Alex is churning in the Gulf of Mexico. According to the National Hurricane Center winds are gusting at 80 miles per hour. Of course, BP claims 8 to 10 miles per hour.

2010-06-29T10:47:00.001-07:00

The FBI has arrested ten people suspected of being Russian secret agents. It was an easy arrest. All ten agents were hiding one inside the other.

The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan are underway. Critics of Kagan claim that she’s too progressive. She quickly proved them wrong by stating her policy is not Progressive – it’s Geico.

General Stanley McChrystal, who was fired last week as the commander of the Afghanistan war, told the Army yesterday that he will retire. Word is, he’s teaming up and going on the road with the Bin Laden hunter.

An 8-year-old cat named Oscar, who lost both back legs in an accident has become the world’s first feline to be fitted with prosthetic legs. Vets say Oscar should be up and making cute YouTube videos in no time.

At the trial of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, the jury listened to a wiretapped phone conversation suggesting Oprah Winfrey fill the Senate seat vacated by President Obama. There you have it, Blago was hoping for a free car too.

Jack Kevorkian, also known as “Dr. Death,” has admitted he’s afraid of dying. This is interesting coming from a guy who has assisted more than 130 people to their deaths. In related news, Dick Cheney made it out of the hospital.

It happened again. Vice President Joe Biden was heard calling a store owner a “smartass.” Although to be fair, calling someone a smartass is not a big F’n deal.

2010-06-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

Three chest X-rays of Marilyn Monroe taken in 1954 sold at auction over the weekend for $45,000. The amazing thing? One of the images shows a Kennedy lurking in the background.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney spent the weekend in the hospital after experiencing major discomfort. His heart is fine, his BP stock is down.

Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul wants to build an electronic fence along the U.S. – Mexico border to stop illegal immigration. And get this, the fence will be underground. I know it sounds crazy, but Kevin Costner has the technology.

The American man who went to Pakistan to hunt down Osama Bin Laden is back home but says he’ll try again. His plan? Go cave to cave and flush him out with a vuvuzela.

The agency that controls Internet domain names has approved a new triple X designation. Scrabble players are in for a real shock when they log on.

Some of General Stanley McChrystal’s aides are now saying that their comments to Rolling Stone magazine were off the record. In response, Rolling Stone is going on the record saying, “bite me.”

2010-06-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

Today is Take Your Dog to Work Day. Tomorrow is National Change the Carpet at Work Day.

According to an NBC news poll, six percent of American’s still have a favorable opinion of BP. That seems high. How many times did Joe Barton take the poll?

A California couple faces child endangerment charges after they were caught trying to sell their 6-month-old baby outside a Walmart store for $25. Isn’t that awful? They could get twice that outside Target.

A California couple faces child endangerment charges after they were caught trying to sell their 6-month-old baby outside a Walmart store for $25. Finally, one item you can get at Walmart made in the USA.

According to a new report one in five women end their childbearing years without having a baby. The same report found childless woman own 87 percent of all cats.

You see this on the news? A man drifted about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico after passing out drunk on a pool float. No word yet on what Tony Hayward was drinking.

2010-06-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

A massage therapist has accused former Vice President Al Gore of "unwanted sexual contact" involving an encounter they had back in 2006. Apparently, Al wanted his “hanging chad” massaged.

The iPhone 4 went on-sale today. One new app is called “Fire Up Your Sex Drive,” which claims to cure erectile dysfunction using sound waves. The sound waves? Barry White.

The University of Minnesota is offering a course called “Oil and Water: The Gulf Oil Spill of 2010.” Sadly, the class runs indefinitely.

At Wimbledon, the world’s longest tennis match, played over three days and more than 11 hours on the court, has finally ended. Which is great news. Six fans reported tennis elbow just from watching.

Disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff is out of prison and now working at a kosher pizzeria in Baltimore. Isn’t this what got him in trouble in the first place? Tossing dough around.

2010-06-23T10:52:00.001-07:00

A stunning last minute goal at the World Cup handed the United States a 1-0 win over Algeria. I got so excited, I blew my vuvuzela for longer than four hours.

Utah Senator Orin Hatch wants to drug test the unemployed before they can receive government assistance. The Senator is optimistic it will take less than a month to test all the Osmond's.

Afghanistan war commander General Stanley McChrystal met privately with President Obama at the White House today in an effort to save his job. The General apologized for his behavior – then in a surprise move – took off his shoe and dumped out two million dollars in Afgan minerals.

Afghanistan war commander General Stanley McChrystal lost his job today after making comments critical of President Obama. That’s the bad news. The good news? Rolling Stone magazine gave him 24 issues for the price of 12.

Andy Rooney, the 91-year-old veteran news correspondent, says he'll work at "60 Minutes" until he dies. Or until he pulls a Helen Thomas type gaffe, whichever comes first.

Earlier today, BP formally handed over responsibility for the Gulf oil spill operation from Tony Hayward to Bob Dudley. Things are already looking up… Dudley doesn’t own a yacht.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will host a talk show on CNN. However, the show will air on Cinemax.

2010-06-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin has gone on record saying she's tried marijuana. That makes sense. You can’t see Russia with glaucoma.

Over the weekend, BP CEO Tony Hayward went sailing on his yacht, named “Bob.” Which is a lot better than its old name, “Pelican Stalker.”

California is considering digital license plates. In addition to the plate number, the device can also display other information the driver wants to communicate… like flipping the bird.

Larry King hosted a celebrity telethon yesterday to benefit victims of the Gulf Coast oil spill. Over 1.8 million dollars was raised. All the money will go towards paying for divine intervention to make it stop.

Tiger Woods wife, Elin Nordegren, has enrolled in a Florida college psychology course on "human abnormal behavior." Topics include sexual disorder, addiction, and impulse disorders. Elin will also teach the class.

Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square Bomber, plead guilty Monday to ten counts. Nine weapons charges and one count of impersonating a real terrorist.

2010-06-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

British Petroleum says CEO Tony Hayward is stepping aside and will no longer oversee the response to the oil spill. BP is handing over day-to-day operations to the company’s managing director Mr. Bob Dudley. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Dudley, do right.”

BP CEO Tony Hayward attended a yacht race in England over the weekend. When asked the name of his yacht, Mr. Hayward said, “I don’t recall.”

BP CEO Tony Hayward attended a yacht race in England over the weekend. Hayward’s yacht named “Douche Weasel” finished in fourth place.

A 56-year-old Tennessee man has won the AARP national spelling bee. The top senior speller in the nation won when he correctly spelled the word “Metamucil.”

For the very first time there are now two women working together on the International Space Station. In preparation for one day living on Mars, NASA is conducting a series of experiments into the complex rituals of woman going to the bathroom in pairs.

The Food and Drug Administration has rejected the “female viagra” pill. The pink pill failed not because it didn’t increase a woman’s desire to have sex, but because their mustache was a turn off.

2010-06-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

Are you watching the World Cup? Every time someone scores I yell “Goal.” My wife says it’s annoying. So… I had the 1-800 flower guy send her a lovely bouquet of vuvuzelas.

According to the Food and Drug Administration, a so called ”female viagra” pill fell short in two studies. In the first study, less than half of the female subjects felt any significant sexual arousal. The second study returned even less encouraging results. Not one experienced an erection lasting over four hours.

A woman in California is building a house completely out of an old Boeing 747 airplane. If you look out the left side of the house you can see the mountains. For those on the right side…

Yesterday, as BP CEO Tony Hayward began his opening statement before congress, a woman disrupted the hearing, yelling, "you need to be charged with a crime." A DUI: Drilling Unwise Idiot.

The American construction worker who went to Pakistan to single-handedly kill Osama bin Laden claims he was obeying an order from God he received in a dream. Today, during a nap, God dropped the name Tony Hayward.

15 million pounds of canned "Spaghetti-Os with Meatballs" are being recalled. When asked to comment, Chef Boyardee said, “Uh-Oh.”

The Lakers won the World Championship last night. After the game Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist. You know, if his doctor is anything like mine, he’s gonna get billed for that.

Authorities are investigating 40 human heads found on a Southwest Airlines flight. Turns out, it’s all part of Southwest’s “buy one ticket get one bodyless companion ticket” free promotion.

2010-06-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

A bullfighter in Mexico City who ran from the ring during a bullfight has been charged with breach of contract and arrested. Poor guy. He’s still gonna get gored.

BP has agreed to put $20 billion dollars into an escrow account to pay for the oil spill. Or as BP executives call it, donating half their annual bonus.

At the White House yesterday, the chairman of BP said his company “cares about the small people.” The chairman later apologized for his remark and clarified his statement. “What I was trying to say is BP cares about the shrimp.”

The inventor of the the vuvuzela, those extremely loud and obnoxious plastic horns, is named Saddam. Yep, that’s right. We took out the wrong Saddam.

Big news: Earlier today, President Obama asked the maker of vuvuzelas to pay $20 billion dollars for all the damage they are doing.

2010-06-16T10:56:00.001-07:00

BP CEO Tony Hayward will testify before a congressional panel tomorrow. In preparation, he is being coached by a team of public relations experts. Their advice: Find the elusive Gulf Coast walrus.

President Obama addressed the nation last night. He said “he will make BP pay for the damage they’ve caused.” Oilboarding begins today.

BP has agreed to put $20 billion in an escrow account to pay for damages. Which is good news. Unfortunately, the account is in the National Bank of Greece.

A new survey says that one in six drivers, roughly 15 percent, has had sex while driving. The percentage goes much higher when there is a second person in the car.

In St. Louis, a pet waste removal worker found $58 packed in the dog poop he was cleaning up. Not too shabby, that’s $406 in dog dollars.

There’s a rumor going around the internet that Sarah Palin may have had breast enlargement surgery. And here I thought I would never have two nice things to say about her again.

2010-06-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

The American Medical Association says Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul is not a board certified doctor. His record indicates he’s board certified crazy.

The American Medical Association says Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul is not a board certified doctor. In a related story, all of his Tea Party supporters are board certified crazy.

President Obama is on a two-day trip in the Gulf region to survey the oil spill. He brought the Karate Kid with him to help kick some ass.

President Obama is on a two-day trip in the Gulf region. He’s touring up and down the coast – looking to see where the water used to be.

In a speech yesterday, President Obama promised that "things are going to return to normal" and the Gulf will be in even better shape than before the oil spill. That would be amazing... I can’t even get the oil stain off my garage floor.

Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away over the weekend. In his honor, Denny’s lowered the cost of the Grand Slam breakfast by half.

Did you folks feel the earthquake yesterday? A 5.7 quake rattled Southern California. It turns out, Kirstie Alley slipped and fell. She’s okay though.

Did you folks feel the earthquake yesterday? A 5.7 quake rattled Southern California. If the Lakers don’t win tonight, expect much bigger aftershocks.

Starbucks has announced they will begin offering unlimited free Wi-Fi access in all their stores. That’s the good news. The bad news? It’s decaffeinated Wi-Fi. Very sluggish.

2010-06-14T13:10:00.001-07:00

Today is National Flag Day. To celebrate, Starbucks is giving out free lattes to anyone named Betsy Ross.

There’s a rumor going around the internet that Sarah Palin may have had breast enlargement surgery. Only one breast… she quit half way through.

Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away yesterday. The coroner lists the cause of death as “breakfast.”

Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, passed away yesterday. The coroner lists the cause of death as “Jimmy Dean Sausage.”

World Cup: USA and England tied. 1 - 1. The goalkeeper for England let a routine shot slip through his grasp for USA’s only goal. Finally, a Junk Shot that worked.

World Cup: USA and England tied. 1 - 1. The goalkeeper for England let a routine shot slip through his grasp for USA’s only goal. The British are calling it a Junk Shot.

The Coast Guard has demanded that BP step up its efforts to contain the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. Company CEO Tony Hayward was laughing so hard, oil shot out of his nose.

Over the weekend, BP deployed undersea sensors to better measure the flow of oil into the ocean. Estimates show the Gulf is only one quart low… from being full.

A plumber in Michigan helped his wife deliver their baby boy on the bathroom floor of their home. That’s great news; however, now the man’s plunger is missing.

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was “The Karate Kid.” A remake of the popular 80’s film. This new version is slightly different; the kid still waxes on, but he and Mr. Miyagi wax off together.

2010-06-11T10:50:00.001-07:00

Did you see this? A deathbed photo of Gary Coleman appeared Wednesday on the cover of Globe Magazine. I don’t want to say it was in poor taste, but the photo, wallet size.

Scientists say the amount of oil gushing into the ocean is significantly higher than previous estimates. Double the amount. Look, I’m no expert, but after decades of fighting oily breakouts, have the Clearasil people been consulted?

The Pork Industry is replacing it’s slogan “The Other White Meat.” The National Pork Board is looking to create another catchy tag line – though I’m not sure their new idea is a winner. “Pork. Because Dog Would Be Wrong.”

British Petroleum’s 582 page contingency plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be severely flawed. And that’s just the title: 'The Oily Pelican Brief.'

A minor league baseball team in Florida is protesting the Gulf oil spill in an unusual way. Instead of referring to batting practice as “BP,” they will now take “hitting rehearsal.” In a related story, Brad Pitt is know calling himself Rad Itt.

World Cup referees are taking a crash course to learn English swear words. The refs want to be proficient in profanities in order to respond to players outbursts. Finally, a reason for Americans to watch soccer.

A New York couple exchanged vows this week and were married inside a shark tank. None of their invited guests attended but two dozen divorce lawyers circled the cage tossing chum.

Good news: The cigarette smoking 2-year-old Indonesian boy has cut down from forty smokes a day to just fifteen. I’m guessing his Nicoderm diaper is working.

A man in Omaha, Nebraska died after being strangled by his 9-foot pet boa constrictor. Squeeze Happens!

2010-06-10T10:40:00.001-07:00

A review of British Petroleum’s 582 page plan to deal with a catastrophic oil spill was found to be full of errors and severely flawed. It’s no wonder, BP lists their lead oil drilling specialist as a Mr. Jed Clampett of Beverly Hills.

Former U.S. Senator and Presidential candidate John Edwards turns 57 today. The disgraced politician spent his birthday quietly watching his sex tape with a couple of buddies: Tiger Woods and Jesse James.

There is a rumor swirling that Sarah Palin got breast implants. It’s only a rumor; nevertheless, it is not her first boob enhancement. Her first “boob enhancement” came when she was chosen as John McCain’s running mate.

There is a rumor swirling that Sarah Palin got breast implants. To be honest, I don’t know and I don’t care. But Vladimir Putin called from Moscow and he can see them.

A minor league baseball team in Florida is protesting the Gulf oil spill in an unusual way. Instead of referring to batting practice as “BP,” they will now take “hitting rehearsal.” In a related story, Oil of Olay, now, just “Olay.”

An Indonesian woman filled out a census form claiming to be 157 years old. Her age is definitely catching up with her… she keeps writing 1910 on all her checks.

Archaeologists in Armenia have discovered the world’s oldest shoe dating back some five thousand years. The shoe is a size nine. However, Larry King is insisting it’s a nine and a half.

This week an Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a new world-record distance without shoes. That’s amazing. Right after finishing he celebrated with a pedicure in the hospital.

President Obama is coming under fire because in the fifty plus days since the start of the Gulf oil spill he has not spoken to the CEO of BP. Whose fault is that? He tried, AT&T kept dropping the call.

2010-06-09T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Heidi Montag filed for legal separation from her husband Spencer Pratt. She was back in court today… filing a petition to separate her boobs.

BP’s Chief Operating Officer insists that no big underwater oil plumes have been detected from the spill. He went on to say, “It really comes down to how you define what a plume is.” Hey, you can’t spell “Big Plumes” without BP.

BP is spending 50 million dollars on an ad campaign to improve their image. Listen, if they want to improve their image they should change their name… to Exxon.

A teacher in Massachusetts was cleaning her classroom and found a document from 1792 buried in a pile of outdated textbooks. The historical society verified the paper as Larry King’s fourth grade report card.

A restaurant in Sydney, Australia set a world record after cooking a hamburger weighing in at 178 pounds. The burger took 12 hours to cook and 30 minutes for Kirstie Alley to consume.

According to a new study, short people are at greater risk for heart disease than taller people. Talk about kicking people when they are already half way down.

A new poll shows two-thirds of Americans want criminal charges filed against BP. This is strange: The other one-third want to know what Gary Coleman’s friend “Willis was talkin’ ‘bout” before deciding.

The trial of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has started in Chicago. The judge banned Blago from tweeting during the trial. I think that’s best, keep distractions to a minimum. Besides, he’ll have plenty of time to tweet from prison.

2010-06-08T10:56:00.001-07:00

Today is World Ocean Day. BP celebrated their usual way… doing nothing!

Today is World Ocean Day. Or as BP calls it, Tuesday.

President Obama said today he wants some “ass to kick” over the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. That’s right, the most powerful person in the free world wants to kick his own ass.

President Obama said today he wants to “kick some ass” over the oil spill. Yep, that’s right. President Obama is sending Samuel L. Jackson to the Gulf.

Longtime Washington White House correspondent, Helen Thomas, is retiring after making highly controversial comments about Israel and Jews. Rumor has it, Mel Gibson will play her in the movie.

California has passed a law banning plastic bags. No word yet on where Heidi Montag plans to move.

A Los Angeles man was sentenced yesterday to four months in prison for attempting to smuggle fourteen exotic birds into the country in his pants. Customs agents grew suspicious when they asked the man if he had anything to declare and he said, “I like to poop on cars.”

A Los Angeles man was sentenced yesterday to four months in prison for attempting to smuggle fourteen exotic birds into the country in his pants. Airport customs agents confiscated thirteen songbirds and one cockatoo.

2010-06-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, President Obama made his third trip to the Gulf of Texaco… my bad. Mexico.

President Obama has nominated Lieutenant General James R. Clapper to be the next director of national intelligence. If confirmed by the Senate, the President will clap once to start his term and clap twice to end it.

During an appearance on “Larry King Live” last week, President Obama told Larry that he is furious and very unhappy with BP’s response to the oil disaster. He’s unhappy. You know what’s good for that? Fish oil pills.

Longtime Washington White House correspondent, Helen Thomas, is quitting after making some highly controversial comments about Israel. She’s 89-years-old and retiring: Let me be the first to say, Mazel Tov!

Sad news: Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, are separating after forty years of marriage. It’s an amicable divorce – Tipper gets to keep the house and Al gets to keep dropping in to set the thermostat.

The 2010 Spelling Bee champion was crowned over the weekend. A 14 year-old girl from Ohio won by successfully spelling the word “bonehead.” B-P-C-E-O.

The 2010 Spelling Bee champion was crowned over the weekend. A 14 year-old girl from Ohio won by successfully spelling the word “incompetent.” There was one awkward moment when she asked for its definition and the judge said, “The folks at BP.”

Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. So far he has three friend requests… Transocean, Halliburton and BP.

Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. I checked out his page. You can friend him, poke him, even toss a virtual shoe at him.

Vice President Joe Biden predicts up to 1.4 Million jobs in the U.S. by the end of the year. That’s the good news. The bad news? All of them in the oil clean-up sector.

–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh, 59, married his girlfriend, 33. This was his fourth marriage and her first sugar daddy.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh got married. The couple is registered at Walgreens pharmacy.
–Over the weekend, Rush Limbaugh got married. Instead of throwing rice, guests tossed OxyContin.

Gary Coleman passed away last week. Gary leaves behind a wife, many adoring fans and one nagging question.

2010-05-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

Today is National Hamburger Day.
– My day is going medium well.
– A great day to get some extra In-N-Out.
– Or as Vegetarians call it – Friday.

Memorial day is here. Or as Richard Blumenthal calls it – Monday.

President Obama was in the Gulf of Mexico today for a firsthand look at the devastating oil spill. The president stood on the beach and vowed to clean up the mess. He then threw out the ceremonial first tar ball.

Legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I’ve got three words of advice... British. Petroleum. Jelly.

The 94th running of the Indianapolis 500 is this weekend. Race officials expect record top speeds this year – the pace car is a Toyota.

Did you know this? Lindsay Lohan’s alcohol-monitoring device is called SCRAM. It stand for Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor. When I first heard Lindsay received a court ordered SCRAM, I got all excited. Unfortunately, turns out, she doesn't have to leave the public eye.

Country music legend Willie Nelson has shocked fans by cutting off his trademark long hair in favor of a new look. The new look... Bieber hair.

Here’s some good news: Violent crime went down last year all across the country. Well sure, in this economy, who can afford ammo?

An 87-year-old man is attempting to break the world pole-vaulting record. The previous record for an 87-year-old... from the floor up into bed.

A sleeping passenger was left on-board a United Airlines plane in Philadelphia for four hours after it landed. Why not, let’s just give the terrorists ideas – sleeper, sleeper cells.

2010-05-27T10:59:00.001-07:00

Things keep getting worse for Greece. Yesterday, millions of frogs forced the closure of a major highway. Greece’s economy is so bad, even the plague is leaving town.

Hurricane season starts next week. Forecasters predict that if a Category 5 hits the Gulf oil spill... Kansas can expect tar-balls.

Almost a week after acknowledging he “misspoke” about his military service during Vietnam, a new survey shows Senate candidate Richard Blumenthal still remains the favorite to win the race. This according to a recent Pol Pot poll.

More than 100 census takers have been the victims of violent attacks this month. And that’s just counting the ones who took the time to send in their report.

More than 100 census takers have been the victims of violent attacks this month. This according to a U.S. Census Bureau census of census takers.

Have you seen this? There’s a video on the internet of a two-year-old Indonesian boy smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. “He’s almost three years old, let him do what he wants” said, Rand Paul.

Have you seen this? There’s a video on the internet of a two-year-old Indonesian boy smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. One-year-old’s think he’s cool.

2010-05-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

Hurricane season starts next week. Forecasters predict that if a major storm hits the Gulf oil spill... we’re all lubed.

Triple AAA is predicting more people on the road this Memorial Day Weekend than last year. Seems right. Last year drivers had to go around the Gulf of Mexico – this year they can drive on it.

Have you seen this? There’s a video on the internet of a two-year-old Indonesian boy smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. The really awful part... he smokes after sex.

President Obama is sending 1,200 National Guard troops to boost security along the US-Mexico border. Actually it’s 1199 troops and one alert Times Square T-shirt vendor.

BP is doing all it can to plug the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. In a related story, President Obama is sending 1,200 troops to the US-Mexico border to plug that leak.

Fox News is in hot water. President Obama gave the commencement address to graduating West Point cadets last weekend and Fox altered a video of that speech to remove the students applause. It’s the exact opposite of a Rand Paul speech – where they insert applause.

Internet service provider AOL turns 25-years-old this week. I know, I couldn’t believe it either... AOL is still in business? “You’ve got obsolete dial-up mail.”

Former President George W. Bush is promoting his upcoming memoir, ‘Decision Points.’ He said he hopes the book will be a tool for historians evaluating his presidency. Or was it use historians as tools for rewriting his presidency. Like Dubya, I get confused.

2010-05-25T10:34:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin, referring to her own treatment in the media, said Rand Paul is finding out what it feels like to be her. One big difference – Rand Paul is Going Rogue-ier.

Lindsay Lohan was back in court yesterday. As part of her probation, the judge ordered her to wear an alcohol detection device. Strapped to her ankle is Kiefer Sutherland.

British Petroleum says it is doing “all it can” to stop the Gulf oil spill. Well, obviously not all it can. They haven’t tried stuffing BP executives into the leak yet.

A 24-year-old man in Montana was arrested twice in the span of five hours for drunken driving. He pled not guilty, saying his Toyota was driving.

Tiger Woods wife Elin Nordegren is seeking $750 million dollars in a divorce settlement. Checking Tigers scorecard, that works out to just over six million per hole played.

Tiger Woods wife Elin Nordegren is seeking $750 million dollars in a divorce settlement. If she gets it, her lawyer is putting her on the Wheaties box.

2010-05-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

The BP oil spill is entering it’s second month now and things just keep getting crazier. Yesterday I held a seashell up to my ear and I heard Rand Paul cheering.

Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal has issued an apology for lying about his military service. He said it was wrong to suggest he fought in the Vietnam War – during Vietnam he was a POW in the Marine Corps Reserve.

A woman in Minnesota gave birth to a baby boy while driving herself to the hospital. Some people will do anything to use the carpool lane.

The director of the Minerals Management Service in Alaska is coming under fire for having a cake at a recent meeting with the words "Drill, Baby, Drill" on it. The agency director apologized, saying it was wrong to have his cake and oil spill too.

A California boy has become the youngest climber to reach the top of Mount Everest. The thirteen year-old said “it was the biggest goal of his life to stand on top of the world.” Poor kid, it’s all downhill now.

A thirteen year-old California boy has become the youngest climber to reach the top of Mount Everest. Top that Justin Bieber.

In one of the biggest art thefts in history, a lone thief stole five paintings, including a Picasso and a Matisse, from a Paris art museum. Police say the suspect is believed to be in his early thirties, dark complexion and sporting extremely ginormous cajones.

According to a new study, unattractive defendants are 22 percent more likely to be convicted than good-looking ones. Though 22 percent less likely if they wear their ski mask in court.

A Massachusetts man was taken to the hospital after being sucked into a sausage-making machine. Manwich anyone?

Out in the Gulf, plans are underway to perform a maneuver this week called the ‘Top Kill’ to stop the flow of oil. BP is confident they’ve got the right man for the job – MacGruber.

2010-05-21T10:36:00.001-07:00

BP has posted a live steaming video online that shows the oil continuously gushing into the ocean. It’s bad folks. I logged on and the damn thing gunked up my hard drive.

The Director of National Intelligence, Dennis Blair, is resigning next week and President Obama is busy interviewing several highly qualified candidates to be his replacement. All of them New York City T-shirt vendors.

Scientist say they are developing a longevity pill that will help a person live well beyond 100 years. That’s the good news. The bad news? Side effects of the pill include death.

A Mississippi community college is cracking down on cursing by charging students money when they utter an off-color word. Next month’s commencement speaker, Joe Biden, is set to raise over $800 dollars.

BP conceded yesterday that they’ve been under-reporting the amount of oil gushing into the Gulf. And by under-reporting they mean – what oil spill?

The Coast Guard now says that tar balls found off the Florida coast are not linked to the massive oil spill. Gulf oil is 10W40 – those Florida tar balls are 5W30.

2010-05-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

President Barack Obama and Mexican President Felipe Calderon held a press conference at the White House yesterday and the translator really screwed up. President Calderon, speaking in Spanish said, “I would like to thank the hospitality of President Obama.” Which translated as, “I would like to see your birth certificate Mr. President.”

Some sad news today: The man who invented the ATM, John Shepherd-Barron, has cashed out.

The man who invented the ATM, John Shepherd-Barron, has died at 84. Mr. Barron leaves behind a wife, three children and his Pin number.
–The family requests that in lieu of flowers, send twenty’s.
–The funeral will take place in front of the ATM at the back of 7-11.
–In honor of his passing, all surcharges will be lowered by half.

An American rights group is suing the police in Pennsylvania for issuing tickets to people for swearing. Lawyers for the group argue that the right to use profanity is protected by the U.S. Constitution. And Joe Biden.

Remember the Octomom? PETA is paying her $5,000 dollars to display a large banner outside her home that reads, “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become An Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” And this is a woman who has fourteen children, if anyone needs spaying...
–What’s ironic, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one of her fourteen children.

A lone thief stole five paintings, including a Picasso and Matisee, from the Museum of Modern Art in Paris. The heist is worth well over one hundred million dollars. Wait a minute, isn’t Lindsay Lohan currently in France?
–Please, Lindsay Lohan, get some help.

2010-05-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

Connecticut Senate candidate Richard Blumenthal says he “misspoke” when he claimed he served in Vietnam. At a news conference earlier today, Blumenthal said he would launch a vigorous “Tet Offensive” to clear his name.

The White House plans to establish a commission to investigate the oil disaster. President Barack Obama will appoint an oil czar to oversee the spill – every six months or 5,000 miles whichever comes first.

The Coast Guard now says that tar balls found off the Florida coast are not linked to the Gulf oil spill. In fact, they’re foreign tar balls. You see folks, this is such a great country, even sludge is trying to sneak in.

Indiana Congressman Mark Souder is resigning after acknowledging an extramarital affair with a female member of his staff. Souder, an evangelical Christian, has admitted he sinned before God; putting him inline just behind the RentBoy guy.

A former Food Network chef has pled not guilty to charges he hired a couple of homeless men to kill his wife. Police say the man was depressed after catching his wife with another chef. A Mr. Boyardee.

Charlie Sheen has negotiated a deal that will keep him on the show “Two and a Half Men” for two more years. Or is it prison for two and a half years showering with two men? I get confused with Charlie.

2010-05-18T10:14:00.001-07:00

A former Food Network chef has pled not guilty to charges he hired a couple of homeless men to kill his wife. And this guy calls himself a chef? Look at his recipe for murder – hobo’s.

The White House plans to establish a presidential commission to investigate the oil spill. Their first order of business, get the CEO’s from Halliburton, Transocean and BP to sit down together so we can Tar Balls and Feather them.

Pictures have surfaced showing the newly crowned Miss USA, Rima Fakih, pole dancing in a competition where she too was crowned the winner. One more victory and she will be the first Arab-American to capture the triple crown.

BP says the Gulf oil spill cleanup has cost the company $450 Million so far. $449 million for the failed dome, top-hat and junk shot. One million to come up with some better names.

A United Airlines flight en route from New York to Los Angeles made an emergency landing yesterday due to smoke and fire in the cockpit. Nobody was hurt thanks to the quick response of an alert T-shirt vendor in coach class.

The U.S. Coast Guard says tar balls have been found on the beaches in Florida. Seriously, enough about the people who retire there.

Sarah Palin’s oldest daughter Bristol has signed with a speakers bureau asking between $15,000 to $30,000 per speech. For fifteen grand Bristol will read the speech off her hand. For thirty grand she won’t speak at all.

2010-05-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin has come out in full support of Arizona’s immigration law. Speaking in Phoenix this weekend Palin said, “We’re All Arizonans Now.” She then stunned the crowd, repeating it in Spanish, “Ich bin ein Arizonan.”

Finally, some good news from the Gulf: Plans are underway to eliminate the millions of gallons of sticky residue in the water. Cleanup crews are busy applying a super strength, fast acting solvent, specially formulated to tackle the toughest oil spill – Goo ‘BP’ Gone.

Over the weekend, Playboy magazine’s June edition went on-sale featuring the first ever centerfold in 3-D. The eye-popping Miss June lists her turn-ons as “long walks on the beach at sunset.” And her turn-offs as “guys wearing funny glasses.”

A 16 year old girl from Australia has become the youngest person to sail around the world solo. During the seven month journey the teenager successfully maneuvered her boat through raging storms, 40 foot waves and 3.5 million gallons of raging oil.

A 16 year old girl from Australia has become the youngest person to sail around the world solo. You know, when I was 16 – I soloed three times a day.

The oil spill in the Gulf is affecting restaurant customers. In fact, I went to lunch this weekend at Long John Silvers and Tar Balls washed up on my plate.

The popular NBC show “Law & Order” has been canceled. After twenty years on the air they pretty much ran out of ideas. Did you see the last episode? Just a close up shot of a dead guy with the sound effect playing over and over and over...

A five-star hotel in Abu Dhabi has installed a vending machine in its lobby that dispenses gold bars and gold coins. And get this, it doesn’t take credit cards. I’d hate to be second in line while some drunk sheik loads in $900 bucks in quarters.

2010-05-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

Transocean, the company that owns the sunken drilling rig, has cited a law from 1851 in an effort to limit their liability in the Gulf oil spill. It’s called The Limitation of Liability Act. Or as Transocean lawyers call it, “No Bill, Baby, No Bill.”

Tony Hayward, the CEO of BP, has claimed the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is “relatively tiny” compared to the “very big ocean.” Last I checked, everything is tiny compared to the ocean. This guys prison cell may be tiny compared to the penitentiary.

They’re saying now that the Gulf oil spill may be 10 times worse than previously believed. This according to an on-the-scene CNN iReport Dolphin.

A recent study has proven that caffeine can help folks to make fewer errors and reduce potentially disastrous mistakes at work. BP today instituted a two cup minimum.

A recent study has proven that caffeine can help workers to make fewer errors and reduce mistakes. If this is true, why can’t the guy at Starbucks get my order right?

Anti-gay activist George Rekers, the guy who hired a male escort because he couldn’t carry his luggage, says he is not gay. I guess that’s possible. His RentBoy did say Mr. Rekers required daily massages for his Brokeback.

Ash from the volcano in Iceland, the same stuff that shut down air travel, is now being sold in sealed containers over the internet as souvenirs. BP heard “sealed container” and quickly ordered a dozen cases.

This is a bit disturbing: A Chinese astronaut who flew China's first space flight in 2003 has revealed that while in orbit, he and his crew ate dog meat.
– Michael Vick announced today he’s applying to NASA.
– What goes with dog, white or red?
– That’s the Number 5, Sweet and Sour Fido.
– That’s the Number 8 Special, Dog Chow Mein.
– Man’s best friend, tastes like chicken.

78 year old talk-show host Regis Philbin says he will have a blood clot in his calf removed next week. Performing the surgery, 88 year old Betty White.

2010-05-13T10:29:00.001-07:00

Sarah Palin has a new book coming out in November. The publisher, HarperCollins, says the book is being written with the help of collaborators. You know what that means? Somewhere, right now, 1000 monkeys are bangin’ on 1000 typewriters.

Here in Los Angeles, The City Council has voted 13 to 1 to ban LA from conducting business with Arizona unless the immigration law is repealed. 13 to 1. The one hold out... the same guy who doesn’t recommend sugarless gum to his patients that chew gum.

Out in the Gulf, BP is now trying a special containment device called the Top-Hat, a smaller version of last weeks failed Dome. Planning ahead, if the Top-Hat doesn't stop the leak, BP plans to deploy The Yarmulke.

The Securities and Exchange Commission has now issued subpoenas in an investigation of last week’s 1000 point stock plunge. Though the agency would not identify the individual recipients, they did state that most had abnormally fat fingers.

The Securities and Exchange Commission has now issued subpoenas in an investigation of last week’s 1000 point stock plunge. Curiously, most of the subpoenas went to employees of the Securities and Exchange Commission.

A woman in South Korea has received her driver’s license after failing the written test 960 times. During her first outing, she inadvertently drove into North Korea and lost her license to be alive.

Playboy magazine’s June edition, which goes on-sale tomorrow, features the first ever centerfold in eye popping 3-D. The good news, the glasses are included with the magazine. The bad news, the centerfold is blue.

It turns out Arizona’s Immigration Law has broad support across the country. A new poll shows that two thirds of American’s support the law. The other one third, no habla ingles.

2010-05-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin has a new book coming out in November entitled “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.” The book will be available in hardback, paperback and written on the back of her hand.

The head of the Securities and Exchange Commission told a congressional panel yesterday that they need more time to figure out what caused last week's 1000 point stock market plunge. Of course they need more time... they just heard about it. They were too busy looking at porn.

Despite the oil spill off the Louisiana coast, a new poll finds that 58% of American’s still believe offshore oil drilling should be allowed. And by offshore they mean off the Indian shore.

During a lecture on free speech yesterday, a Swedish artist was violently attacked after he angered Muslims by showing a cartoon of the Prophet Muhammad portrayed as a dog. A dog. Funny thing is, it turns out the cartoon was just backwards.

George Rekers, the anti-gay activist who was caught last week returning from a 10-day trip to Europe with a male escort, has terminated his association with a major anti-gay group. Citing his reason for leaving, Mr. Rekers said, “he wouldn't want to belong to any club that wouldn’t have his member.”

George Rekers, the anti-gay activist who hired a male prostitute from Rentboy.com has fired back saying he is not gay. He’s not gay, but his mustache is.

A 1936 Bugatti, recently sold for over $30 Million dollars. The buyer is undergoing the world’s most expensive mid-life crisis.

Playboy magazine’s June edition, which goes on-sale Friday, features the first ever 3-D centerfold. The centerfold this month, Betty White.

2010-05-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

Playboy magazine’s June edition, which hits newsstands Friday, features the centerfold in eye popping 3-D. 36D’s in 3-D. This ladies and gentlemen is why the terrorists hate us.

Playboy magazine’s June edition, which hits newsstands Friday, will feature the centerfold in realistic 3-D. You know what this means fellas – objects in your hand may appear larger than they really are.

Conservatives are busy bashing President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan, saying her lack of judging experience is a deal breaker. To counter her critics, Kagan will fill-in this week as The Marriage Ref.

A lot of finger pointing going on today. BP is telling congress that the massive Gulf oil spill was caused by the failure of a key safety device made by another company. They’re blaming another company. You know, if your idea of safety is to “Clap Off” the oil well, you may want to rethink things.

Governor Schwarzenegger gave a commencement speech at Emory University in Atlanta on Monday in which he made a joke about Arizona’s immigration policy. He said, “I was going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend, but with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.” Hey Arnold, unless you do something about unemployment and the budget crisis, California is going to deport you.

George Rekers, the anti-gay activist who hired a male prostitute has fired back saying he is not gay. He’s not gay, but his Rent Boy is.

Ash from the Icelandic volcano is shutting down more airports. Seriously, this thing is spewing more garbage into the air than Joe the Plumber at a Tea Party rally.

2010-05-10T14:43:00.000-07:00

The Icelandic volcanic is at it again; spewing ash and effectively placing much of Europe on the No-Fly list.

New York City: Times Square has been closed, reopened and closed so often, it’s been renamed Part-Times Square.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It was also the 50th anniversary of the Birth Control Pill. Think about it... that’s holiday nullification.

Yesterday was the 50th anniversary of the Birth Control Pill. Celebrating all this week – lucky 51 year olds.

President Barack Obama nominated Solicitor General Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court today. Little is known about Ms. Kagan as she does not have any prior judicial experience. However, we do know she owns the complete DVD box collection of Night Court.

BP says the explosion on the oil rig that led to the massive spill was due to a deadly methane bubble. Embedded deep in the sea floor, the methane bubble shot up the drill cavity and exploded. Sure, blame it on Mother Natures farts.

The giant steel dome that was designed to cover the well and contain the oil leak has failed. BP is running out of ideas and getting desperate. Today, CEO Tony Hayward, put a call into Iron Man.

In Florida this weekend, Tiger Woods withdrew from The Players Championship claiming his game was hampered by a bulging disk. I know, he’s only off by one letter.
– Tiger said he does not know what caused the injury but has 121 possible ideas.

33 years after his death, Elvis Presley’s doctor has come forward claiming the King of Rock and Roll actually died from chronic constipation. You know those wild gyrations Elvis made while performing... Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

2010-05-07T13:32:00.001-07:00

It’s almost that time of year: Meteorologists at the National Hurricane Center have released their forecast for the 2010 hurricane season... Oily.

Experts are saying that the massive oil spill could affect the seafood industry for years to come. You know what this means Catholics? Meat Fridays.

Heading into its second week and with no end in sight, the oil tragedy is driving environmentalists to take matters into their own hands. Just today, Al Gore was down at the site of the spill siphoning 3 gallons into his riding mower.

A church in Massachusetts has announced they will hold monthly worship service for dogs. Church officials said the canine congregation will be led in prayer by Saint Bernard.

Two men have been jailed in Russia for murdering and eating a teenage girl. When asked why they did it, the two calmly stated “they were hungry.” So, for these guys, prison is basically a captive all-you-can-eat buffet.

The giant containment dome has arrived on the site of the oil leak and crews are busy putting it into place. The device is designed to absorb up to 85 percent of the gushing oil. The other 15 percent will be absorbed with a giant Shamwow.

2010-05-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

Restaurants that rely on seafood from the Gulf are scrambling as the oil spill is affecting the way they do business. Today I had lunch at the Black Lobster.

Down in the Gulf Coast, workers began a controlled burn of the oil. Next up, an out of control burn of oil executives.

Some bad news for Floridians: It looks like the oil spill will most certainly spread to the coast of Florida. Scientist are predicting the oil will arrive just in time for the early-bird-dinner.

The president of Nigeria, Umaru Yar’Adua, has died at 58. It’s a tragic loss for Nigerians. On the plus side, check your e-mails for an urgent and confidential business proposal worth millions.

For the second night in a row, a Phillies fan hopped over a fence and ran onto the field during a game. Out of an abundance of caution, security immediately tased the Phillies Phanatic.

Lindsay Lohan has landed the lead role in a movie about 1970’s porn star Linda Lovelace. Poor Lindsay, everything in her career is going down.

A Picasso painting has sold for $106.5 million at auction. Somebody has way too much Monet.

An Alabama man has become an instant millionaire by playing a video game. The 23-year old won a video-game makers contest by being the first person to pitch a perfect game on his Xbox. The one million dollar prize is paid out over thirty years... in quarters.

George Rekers, the prominent anti-gay activist who was caught returning from an overseas trip with a male escort he hired on Rentboy.com, claims he hired the escort only to help carry his luggage.
–Ya sure. Doesn’t he mean handle his package?
– That’s just ludicrous. Everybody knows RandyBellhops.com is a far superior website.
– And by carry his luggage he means “hiking the Appalachian Trail.”

2010-05-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Cinco De Mayo: The day where people celebrate the fifth, drinking a fifth. And in Arizona, taking the fifth.

Texas Governor Rick Perry has said he thinks the oil spill that is decimating the Gulf region, may be an act of God. Well, there you have it. God is not a fan of shellfish.

A Taser gun was used to subdue a fan who ran onto the field during a Phillies game Monday night. Taser A Fan Appreciation Night... it’s America’s pastime.

The world’s oldest person has died just a week shy of her 115th birthday. Her death hands the title of world's oldest person over to Larry King.

A Picasso painting has sold for $106.5 million at auction. The unidentified buyer placed the winning bid by phone. Can you imagine this guy on the phone... “Ya, I’ll take a Degas, toss in a really expensive Picasso and give me a Van Gogh to go.”

Restaurants that rely on seafood from the Gulf are scrambling as the oil spill is affecting the way they do business. Just today, Red Lobster announced that diners will no longer be able to choose their own lobster from the tank.

A former television producer who attempted to extort money from David Letterman has been sentenced. He received six months in jail, 1,000 hours of community service and the Top Ten reasons his dance card will be full in prison.

A coffee shop in New York City has started selling a $12 cup of coffee...
– The price alone gives you the jitters.
– Your coffee break will break you.
– Juan Valdez will personally make your coffee... if he can get into the country.

2010-05-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

Today is National Teacher Day. Congratulations to all teachers. This is the one day out of the school year when the dog gets to eat their homework.

The suit O.J. Simpson wore on the day he was acquitted of murder is now on display at a museum in Washington, D.C. Which is rather appropriate don’t you think? Washington D.C. is full of suits, committing crimes and getting off.

This is rather sobering news. The Gulf oil spill is so massive, the earth has been downgraded from 2/3 covered in water to only 5/8.

The oil spill is turning into a major disaster for wildlife along the coast. To give you some idea of just how bad it’s gotten, today I saw a sea turtle rubbing turtle wax on his shell.

The world’s oldest person, a woman in Japan, has died a week before her 115th birthday. She died of complications from her lengthy battle with life.

A man has been arrested in connection with Saturday's attempted car bombing. The suspect was captured at JFK boarding a plane out of the country. Authorities were quick to spot him – wearing an “I failed to bomb Times Square and all I got was this lousy T-shirt,” shirt.

Author Christopher Hitchens' memoir, Hitch-22, is due out next month. He claims that President Bill Clinton consumed pot brownies. Well sure... he probably ate them, but did he digest them?

Doctors in China report that a man has died after an eel was inserted into his rectum. The man's friends inserted the live creature as a prank after a night of heavy drinking. Come on, everybody knows, friends don’t let friends drive eels drunk!

2010-05-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

It turns out most Arizonans hate Arizona’s new immigration law. But they concede, at least it’s a dry hate.

A car bomb was found in Times Square. Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the New York city police are absolutely baffled as to how someone was able to find parking in Times Square.

United Airlines and Continental Airlines are merging in a deal that would create the world's largest airline. Can anyone say “Too Big To Fly.”

Texas governor Rick Perry, during his morning jog, shot a coyote dead. Coyote, it’s what’s for dinner.

The oil spill is turning into a major disaster for wildlife along the coast. To give you some idea of just how bad it’s gotten, today I saw a pelican getting his oil changed at Jiffy Lube.

Oil industry experts and officials are reluctant to describe what, exactly, a worst-case scenario would look like for Louisiana. Well, I’m no expert, but I think it would look a lot like Katrina... only goopier.

Colorado Rockies catcher Miguel Olivo went into the bathroom between innings of a game last week and passed a kidney stone before returning to his spot behind the plate. Giving new meaning to the phrase, “taking one for the team.”

Tiger Woods reportedly had sex with 121 women while married. 121 women, or as Warren Beatty calls that, a slow weekend.

In his second outing since returning to golf from a five-month hiatus, Tiger Woods failed to make the cut. His wife did make the cut – one half of all his money.

2010-04-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

Tiger Woods reportedly had sex with 121 women while married. Technically 122 if you count the wife.

New Orleans can't get a break. First the city was flooded with water, now it’s being threatened by oil. What's next, vinegar?

2010-04-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

Sandra Bullock has filed for divorce from her husband, Jesse James, citing irreconcilable tattoos.

It’s official: Sandra Bullock is divorcing her husband, Jesse James. Sandra is moving on with a newly adopted baby boy. Given his lying, cheating and conniving ways – Jesse is moving on to a long career at Goldman Sachs.

Former first lady Laura Bush’s memoir is coming out next month and a memoir by her husband, former President George W. Bush, is due out in November. There’s gonna be a lot of re-gifting this year.

Time magazine has named Glenn Beck one of the 100 most influential people in the world. And they asked Sarah Palin, also a member of the top 100, to pen an article praising Beck. Wow, two wrongs can make it on the right.

Noah’s Ark has been located. It was found right next to George Jetson’s flying car.

A thief in Lincoln, Nebraska, covered his face with toilet paper before robbing a convenience store. The toilet paper disguise was his number 2 idea.

2010-04-28T10:34:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the show: For those of you visiting from Arizona... please have your papers out and in order.

Things are getting crazy out there in Arizona. Today, immigration agents raided a Taco Bell searching for illegal Gorditas.

During the testimony of Goldman Sachs executives, Senator Carl Levin used a certain ‘S’ word almost a dozen times. Vice President Joe Biden called him a wuss.

Have you folks seen the TV show where participants try to outwit, outplay and outlast each other? It’s called the Goldman Sachs hearings.

Have you seen the reality show where participants try to outwit, outplay and outlast each other? It’s called Survivor: Heroes vs. Goldman Sachs.

A group of explorers is claiming that they are 99.9 percent sure they have found Noah’s Ark. They can’t be 100 percent certain until they talk to God.

An exploration group is claiming Noah’s Ark has been found. Oddly, there was only one Loch Ness Monster aboard.

2010-04-27T09:44:00.000-07:00

Things are getting crazy out there in Arizona. Today the Grand Canyon was cited for being an illegal gorge.

George W. Bush's memoir, "Decision Points," will be released on November 9th. “The book will be an account of the key decisions Bush made during his presidency," said author Dick Cheney.

Down in Australia a blind man and his guide dog were refused service from a restaurant after a waiter thought the dog was gay. It seems the dog had a very wide stance.

A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology finds that people lie 50-percent more via e-mail than they do with handwritten letters. The study was conducted at Goldman Sachs.

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner donated $900,000 to protect the area around the famous “Hollywood” sign from developers. When asked to comment Hef said, “Anything that keeps up the wood, I support.”

Researchers say that four common bad habits can age you prematurely, by up to 12 years. The bad habits include smoking, drinking to much, poor diet and inactivity. The findings are from a study that tracked Lindsey Lohan.

2010-04-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

Hope you folks had a great weekend. I did. I spent all day Saturday and Sunday helping Larry King pack up his suspenders.

Nearly a dozen employees at the Security and Exchange Commission were found to be viewing pornography on their work computers while they were supposed to be safeguarding our financial system... I guess you could say these guys are into stocks and bondage.

World renowned scientist Stephen Hawking says that he’s convinced aliens are out there and for our own safety we should avoid interacting with them. Hawking questions whether humans and aliens really can co-exist. Wait a minute – is he talking about Martians or Arizonans?

Sarah Palin testified late last week against a 22-year-old man accused of hacking into her personal e-mail account. If convicted he faces up to 50 years in prison or three weeks in Alaska.

Sarah Palin testified last week against a 22-year-old man accused of hacking into her personal e-mail account. Sarah told a full courtroom her life was disrupted by the privacy violation. The defendant told the courtroom he was “just going rogue on her email, you betcha”.

A new poll shows two-thirds of Americans support stricter regulations on the way banks and other financial institutions conduct their business. The other third were busy cashing their Goldman Sachs bonus checks.

Utah is set to execute a convicted killer by firing squad after a judge agreed to the inmates request. That’s right, the condemned man was given a choice in the manner of his execution. Lethal injection, firing squad or test driving a Toyota.

It was announced today that George W. Bush's memoir, "Decision Points," will be released on November 9th. The yet to be announced author will appear on this show November 10th.

2010-04-23T15:21:00.000-07:00

Earth Day is definitely over – driving to work today I saw a guy in a Hummer trying to run over a baby seal.

Surgeons in Barcelona Spain have performed the world's first full face transplant. The man received an entirely new face; lips, nose, jaw, teeth, and cheek bones. Sadly, the patient only went into the hospital for a hernia operation.

A 29-year-old convenience store clerk from Missouri has won $258 million in the powerball jackpot. If he invests that money with Goldman Sachs, this time next year he could have over $600 dollars.

A British woman has suddenly started speaking with a Chinese accent after suffering a severe migraine. When interviewed, the woman said “This is frustrating because now my driving is so slow.”

Some good news: Sales of new homes surged 27 percent last month. Economists credit the dramatic rise in sales to the home buyer tax deduction, low interest rates and Tiger Woods soon to be ex-wife.

Eleven suspected pirates were indicted today on charges related to attacks on two U.S. naval ships off the coast of Africa. The charges include attempts to plunder a vessel, assault with a dangerous weapon and cruel and unusual use of a parrot.

Sarah Palin testified today against a 22-year-old man accused of hacking into her e-mail account. If convicted he faces up to 50 years in prison. In his defense, the man claimed he could see her password from his house.

2010-04-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

In honor of Earth Day this year mother nature and father time got together and celebrated with earthquakes, tsunamis, exploding volcanos. Good times.

In recognition of the 40th anniversary of Earth Day... Kevin and I rode our tandem bike to work.

7-Eleven is launching it’s own brand of beer – a premium beer priced for those on a budget. Now hobo’s can celebrate Earth Day in style.

A 46 year old trucker from Wyoming has set a new Guinness Book record for most body piercings at one time. 1501 piercings in just over four hours. Four hours! Which is the same amount of time it will take him to get through airport security.

2010-04-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to all of our viewers in Iceland... I’d like to wish you a happy Ash Wednesday.

7-Eleven is launching it’s own brand of premium beer – it comes conveniently pre-wrapped in a brown paper bag.

Mel Gibson and girlfriend, the mother of his young child, have split up. Poor Mel, he should find a nice Jewish girl.

A former Little League coach claims to have had a steamy affair with Larry King’s wife while Larry was allegedly having his own secret affair with his wife's sister. To get the full story, Jessie James and Tiger Woods will be interviewing Larry tonight.

2010-04-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

George Washington the very first US president is making news: It seems he checked out two books from a New York library in 1789 that have yet to be returned. Apparently all presidents named George are slow readers.

The late fees total $300,000. So it seems the father of our country owes the mother of all fines.

2010-04-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

Larry King filed for divorce, his eighth. Breaking the previous world record set by... Larry King.

Larry King and his wife are divorcing after 13 years sighting irreconcilable differences. She’s seeking custody of the kids. Larry wants custody of his suspenders.